The Fluffenator

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:24:53 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:23:25 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:22:24 GMT

Title: Everything's Perfect
Author: Me.
Rating: R, I'd say.
Pairing(s): Gerard/Mikey; Frank/Jepha
Summary: Awkward moments happen for a reason, Everything does.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys, I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
A/N: Okay so this one's back. Hoorah.

Chapters: 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10; 11; 12

Chapter 13a

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

What the hell was she doing here? I decide not to worry about it. Instead I take Jepha's hand and lead him back down the aisle to where we're planning to hold the reception. After a while of mingling with our friends and family, and of course my parents graciously accepting Jepha into our family, then changing into some comfortable clothes (as we do have a long flight ahead of us) we finally climb into the limo that's to take us to the airport. Finally. Some alone-time with my husband... my husband! Jepha's my husband now! I squeal with delight at just thinking that. He snuggles in close to me, and suddenly I feel his lips nipping at my neck. I glace out the window and see everyone frantically waving to us as the limo starts off.

I take this as my que and claim Jepha's lips with mine. When our kiss breaks, for air, the first thing I can think to say is, "I fucking love you so much... my husband." He giggles softly, then climbs so he's straddling my lap, "I love you too, my husband." I wrap my arms around him and just hold him close to me. "We did it, baby, we're married... we're finally married," I finish my statement by kissing his lips again. "So, where are you taking me anyway?" he asks. I can't help but laugh, I've kept our honeymoon destination a secret for long enough now. I reach into the side of my bag and pull out the envelope that contains our boarding passes, and hand it to him. His eyes grow wide, "Rome!?!??!?! Frankie! You're taking me to Rome?!" I just keep grinning and nod.

Without warning he throws his arms around my neck and I begin to wonder if breathing will be possible in the next few moments. I don't care though, I'd rather have Jepha with me like this than breathe any day. I bring my lips to his and kiss him. I'm completely lost in Jepha and don't even notice the limo stopping, then the driver opening the door until he says, "We've arrived, Sirs." We break our kiss and chuckle a little, "Sorry," I mutter. He just grins, "That's fine, Sir, happens all the time, don't be sorry, it's your wedding day, enjoy each other." The driver helps us load our luggage onto a cart, then gets back in and drives away, leaving Jepha and I to get inside and on the plane.

Once we've checked in, checked our luggage, gone through security and boarded the plane, I turn to face my husband. "Did you really mean what you said... about me being your Angel?" I blush at saying it myself. "Of course I meant it Frank... it was in my wedding vows, and it's exactly how I see you. You're my Angel," he leans over to my seat and kisses me again, then we're told by the flight attendants to prepare for take-off. I kiss him one last time and sit up, fastening my seat belt. Before I know it we're in the air, flying out over the ocean. I made sure Jepha got a window seat, although he's spending more time looking at me than out the window... though I can't really blame him, I'd be doing the same if the situation was reversed... he's the most beautiful thing to look at by far.

Suddenly the pilot comes on over the intercom. "I just want to say congratulations to the two guys in row fifteen, Frank and Jeph. They just got married today so let's all make sure and give them our best wishes!" I'd planned that too. The twinkle in Jepha's eye tells me it was a good thing, and he leans over and kisses me again. I just sit a while, and stare at him as he looks out the window. I'm completely lost in him again. The pilot pulls me out of my trance, "We've begun our descent into Rome, skies are clear, temperature is 68 degrees Fahrenheit." Already? We're here already? That was so fast... I guess I've been staring at Jepha quite a bit... that's just what he does to me... I literally get lost in him. Before long we're on the ground and getting off the plane. We get our luggage from the baggage claim and head outside where we get in a cab to take us to the hotel I've arranged for.

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

I climb into bed next to Mikey, who almost immediately wraps his arms around me, allowing me to snuggle in close to him. "That ceremony was beautiful," I say softly, "but then again, that may be because I was staring at you the entire time." He laughs, "It was beautiful, Gee... when they kissed they looked so fucking happy... almost as happy as I am when I'm with you, like right now." I lay my head on his chest. "Gee?" he says softly. "Yeah baby?" his hands trail down across my chest, then further to my stomach. "She's gonna be beautiful... fucking beautiful because of you..." I lift my head and kiss his lips. "She's gonna be beautiful because of both of us, don't argue," I smirk and kiss him again, then replace my head on his chest. Four more months until our daughter arrives.

He reaches up with his hand and starts to pet my hair, lulling me off to sleep. "I love you..." I manage to mumble. "I love you too sweetie," he whispers, close to sleep himself. And then sleep over-takes both of us, sending us into dreams of each other.

*~*Jepha's P.O.V.*~*

The gigantic bed is complete with ceiling-high bed posts, and drapes, that will completely close everything in the outside world off. I'm sitting here in this bed, my Angel next to me. He slowly crawls so he's on top of me and then starts kissing my neck. I've been waiting for this moment for so long, and I'm so glad it's finally happening with Frank. Suddenly he stops, making me pout. He laughs a little, "Baby, remember waaaaay back when, after we first got together... and you 'won' in saying 'Hey sexy' on the phone?" I vaguely remember this, but I do, so I nod. "And I said you need a prize...?" I nod again, but also speak up. "You're the best prize I could ask for, Angel," I take note that this makes him blush. So cute. He moves in to kiss me, then pulls away again. "Don't move, baby, I have your prize... I just need to... go get it..." and with that, he exits the draped-in bed.

I'm waiting here, cold, hoping he comes back soon, and finally, after ten minutes that seemed more like two hours, I see his hand reach into the curtain, pulling it aside so he can crawl back in. The image is amazing. My husband, Frank, wearing nothing but a black completely see-through lace nightey. He crawls up and lies next to me, purring. "How do you want this to go, baby? Just tell me your fantasy and I'll make it come true." I'm speechless, completely and utterly speechless. Finally some words sputter out of me, "Well firstly... as fucking hot as you are in that thing," I point to his night gown, "I'd like to see it come off... Wait wait no... I'd like to... take it off you." He chuckles as I lean into kiss his lips, trailing my hands up underneath it, slowly lifting. He raises his back to assist me and I finally get it off over his head. The image of him completely naked next to me is even more breathtaking than the one I'd seen only moments before.

His hands now move under my own shirt, and he slowly gets it off me. Our kiss resumes once again as his hands move down to my belt buckle, which he quickly gets into a battle with. I lift my hips and reach down to assist him. Together, we get it undone, along with my pants, and I kick them off once they've reached my ankles, tossing them outside the bed. Same with my now tented boxers. I then bite my lip, nervous... I've never been completely naked in front of anyone. His hand comes up and caresses my face, "You're beautiful, Jepha." I look up into his eyes, Not as beautiful as you..." then press my lips to his.

He pulls his lips away from mine, leaving me panting. "What do you want to do now?" he asks. I bite my lip nervously... I've never even been this far with a guy, I have no idea what to do next. He chuckles, "It's okay, baby, here let me try something." He straddles my waist with his thighs and kisses me passionately, slowly inching down. He sucks my neck for a moment or two, then moves down more, teasing both my nipples with his tongue. "Holy shit Frankie... oh god... don't stop..." I feel him smirk against my skin as he keeps moving lower, and lower. He reaches my throbbing hardness and takes it into his hand, pumping slowly.

My head sinks deeper into the pillows and I realize I've stopped breathing. Then I feel what can only be his tongue come into contact with me, this action causing me to moan. His lips close around my shaft and I feel his tongue swirling over me. The sensation is more than I can handle and I'm moaning repeatedly like there's no tomorrow. He moans on me and the vibrations created almost make me lose it, but he pulls off. He moves up my body and presses his lips into mine. "Any ides of what you want to do now?" he asks. I nod, only one thing in mind now, "Make love to me, Frank."

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~* (A/N: WOO Yay for going in circles!)

I lower my head to sensually kiss his lips. "I'll be right back, baby, stay put," I say quietly, before slipping out of the bed again to collect the bottle of lubricant I'd brought with us. I return to him, and lie next to him, then open the bottle and squeeze some of the liquid out onto two of my fingers. "This is gonna feel a little weird, babe, it might even hurt a little, but I'm going to be as gentle as I can. Just try to relax," I say, reaching my hand down his body. "Okay," he whimpers, and I lean down to take his lips with mine, then push one finger inside him. He groans into my kiss in discomfort, trying to move away from my finger in his immediate reaction to the intrusion.

I hold it still, letting him adjust to it being there. After only a few moments his breathing returns to normal and I feel his muscles relax around my finger. "Are you ready for me to start moving it?" I ask, soothingly. He nods and pulls me into another kiss as I gently pull my finger out a little ways and then pushing back in. He groans softly, "You okay?" I ask, looking into his eyes. "Yeah, I'm okay, it just... it's amazing how big that finger feels," he laughs a little. I attach my lips to his again and continue moving my finger in and out of him.

"Okay, I'm gonna add another one, you think you're ready for that?" he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, then nods. "Okay," I whisper, withdrawing my finger again and returning with two. He gasps at the doubled size of the intrusion, so I stop again to let him get used to it. I try to think back to my first time, so I can know what he's going through. All I remember is it was horrible at first but was well worth it by the end. Jepha's voice interrupts my thoughts, "You can move now, Frank." I slowly move my fingers out of him and back in, then again, and again. His breathing increases pace. I take his lips with mine to distract him, and it works, he allows himself to get lost in the kiss. I push my fingers in deeper and curl them up, and know I've hit my target when an abrupt moan materializes in the center of our kiss.

"Oh fuck... do that again Frank," I grin and kiss him again, then do as he wishes, releasing the most beautiful noise from this man that is my husband. "I'm going to start preparing you," I whisper into his ear, "for when I go in, okay?" He gives me a nod of approval and I start to scissor my two fingers that remain inside him. I pull back again to look at him, "You doin' okay?" I ask. He opens his eyes to look up into mine, "Yeah I'm okay, Angel," and I feel myself melt when he calls me that. Sooner than later, he's completely relaxed around my fingers scissoring inside him. "It's your say, baby, just tell me when you want me," I whisper, gently nipping at his neck. His breathing evens out and he tilts his head toward me. "Now, Angel... now... I want to feel you," he says, his hand reaching down to curl around my neglected erection.

Slowly, I withdraw my fingers from within him, and kiss him deeply one more time before getting up and positioning myself between his legs. I reach for the bottle of lubricant, then his hand grabs my wrist. "Wait, Frank... let me..." he says, grabbing the bottle himself. He then opens it and pours a decent amount into his hand, then reaches down to coat me with it, and before I know it I'm leaning down to kiss his lips again. I sit back up and look him over, "God you're beautiful, Jepha... you have no idea how much of an honor it is to be doing this with you right now. I love you so fucking much." His hand trails up my body and over my chest, resting over my heart, "I love you too... and you're the beautiful one." I open my lips to argue but he reaches up with his hand to hush me. "Don't say anything... just take me, I need you to take me, Angel," he says quietly.

I look down long enough to line myself up with his entrance, then bend forward to kiss him, pushing my tip into him as I do so. He winces and his body jerks away in its automatic reaction. My hand reaches up to stroke the side of his face, "I know, baby, I know it hurts... and I hate myself for hurting you... but it gets so much better... just bare with me." He nods, trying to take deep breaths. I've stopped moving for the time being, to let him relax. "I have an idea," I whisper, kissing him again as I move my hand down to wrap around his erection, to begin pumping him. That does the trick, and he relaxes enough to allow me in completely, but I stop again so he can get used to the feeling of having me inside him.

For the longest time I just stare at him, wishing more than anything that I could be feeling this pain in his place. "How you doing, baby?" I ask. He takes another deep breath and looks up into my eyes, "It hurts... it hurts a lot... but I'm okay... I'm glad it's you and no one else." My heart breaks a little, I hate the fact that he's in pain, "I'm so sorry baby... if I could I'd take the pain for you, because all you deserve to feel is the pleasure... and you will... I just hate that the pain has to come first." In response to that, he simply reaches up with his hands to my neck, and pulls me down to his lips. "I love you Frankie," he whispers. "I love you too," I say, gently running my fingers over his body in soothing motions.

After a while of just watching him, hoping he'll be okay soon, his breathing evens out, and he looks up into my eyes. "Y-you can move now, Frank," he says quietly. I don't say anything, but bend down and take his lips in a kiss, which stays on as I slowly pull out, then back in. I lift my head to look at him, "How'd that feel?" I ask. "It... it wasn't so bad... do it again..." he whispers. I comply and can't help but moan, "Jepha... you're so tight... oh god..." I start into a slow but steady pace of thrusting in and out of him. Suddenly he releases a moan, "Oh... Frankie... that... that feels good... don't stop." I can't stop myself from grinning at the feeling I get in my heart when I know he's no longer in pain. "F-Frank..." he whimpers. "Yeah, baby?" I respond, reaching down to pump his erection. "C-can you go... f-faster?"

I kiss his lips passionately as I increase my speed, creating a moan from both of us in unison. I keep my hand on him, pumping him, and he's so tight and it feels so fucking good! Suddenly an idea sparks me. I use my left hand, which isn't currently busy at the moment, to guide his hips, and I push in hard, succeeding in my first try and relishing in the beauty of him screaming my name as I hit that spot. My name... he said my name... not anyone else's. Just for that I lean in and kiss him yet again. "Oh... god... fuck... Frankie... I'm... I... I'm gonna..." he can't even finish when his load releases all over my hand, and his muscles contract around me as he calls out my name. I lift my hand to my lips and take a small taste of him.

He sees me do this and releases a moan at the image it must portray, and I feel his legs move up around my waist as I continue to thrust into him. Spilling my own inside him before too long. Taking more and more licks from my hand, I stay inside him. He tastes so good, that's never happened before... I've never actually enjoyed the taste of a man's come until now. Once I get my hand clean I pull out of him and lie next to him. "That was fucking amazing, Jepha," I say softly, pulling him into my arms. We're both sweaty and sticky, but I don't care, I don't want to be away from him, ever. He reaches up and pushes some sweaty hair off my face. "It was incredible Angel," he says, putting his head on my chest. "You know what this means now though?" I ask, and he lifts his head again. I kiss him sweetly, "Your turn!"

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:21:15 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:20:12 GMT

Title: Everything's Perfect
Author: Me.
Rating: R, I'd say.
Pairing(s): Gerard/Mikey; Frank/Jepha
Summary: Awkward moments happen for a reason, Everything does.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys, I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
A/N: Okay so this one's back. Hoorah.

Chapters: 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7; 8; 9; 10

Chapter 11

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

"Hey Frankie what about this one?" Mikey and I are in a tux shop, making a feeble attempt to pick out my tuxedo for the wedding, nothing's felt quite right just yet. He holds one up that looks just like all the rest. "No, I don't think that's the one either Mikey," I say, trying to sound cheerful, which I am, I wouldn't trade getting married to my Jepha for anything, but for some reason, something just... doesn't feel right. I sigh, lifting my phone out of my pocket, I want to hear his voice. I find his number on the menu and hit the call button, it starts ringing, once, twice... the ringing continues, finally I hear a click, "Hey, You've reached Jepha! I apologize for the lack of answer, but if you'd be so kind as to leave a quick message, I'll get back to you asap. Bye now!" and then the beep. "Hey baby, it's Frank. I just called because I wanted to hear your voice, I'll talk to you later I guess. I love you. Bye. Kisses."

After hanging up, I look up at Mikey, "Hey, I think I want to go home and lie down a while, I feel kind of strange." He giggles a little, "Frankie have you and Jepha been doing the nasty?" I playfully punch him in the arm, "You know we're waiting for our wedding night, you dorkus, let's go, I really feel weird... I wanna get home." He nods and we head out to my car. I drop him off at home, then decide to go by Jepha's, just to make sure he's okay and just asleep or something... he never goes without answering my calls, unless he's asleep. His car is gone. God Frank, calm down, Jepha's fine, you're such a drama queen! Laughing at myself, I drive home, surprised to see Jepha's car outside when I get there. I rush inside, excited to see my one love's beautiful face. He's not in the living room, and I blindly go to check my bedroom. My heart crumbles when I see him curled up on my bed, quietly sobbing.

I slowly climb onto the bed and lie next to him. My hand reaches up to gently touch his shoulder, he looks up at me in surprise, then throws himself around me, "Oh God, I'm so glad you're back Frankie." I gather him into my arms and pull him close to me. His sobbing slows down and I reach up to wipe the tears off his face. "Tell me what's wrong, baby," I whisper. He sniffles for a moment or two, then looks up at me, "I... went to talk to my parents today... I know you wanted us to go together, but I couldn't stand the thought of them tearing you down like they did me..." I reach up and gently caress his face, "What did they say?"

"Well I told them I'm engaged and my mom went all... ecstatic... asking me why I didn't bring the 'lucky girl' to meet them, so I told them I was afraid of what they'd say to you... because you're a guy. So, big surprise, my dad flipped, so I was just arguing with him for a bit, told them I'm marrying you with or without their support, and then... my mom spoke up... I'll never forget the words she said... so... cold," he looks down again, "heartless... she said... and I quote... 'My only son is a damn queer, get your disgusting self the hell out of my house, Jeph, and don't even think about coming back, or even considering yourself my son... until you snap out of it , until you're normal again.' so... I just... left, and came here, because I needed you... th-that's okay isn't it?"

Damn it Frank! The man you love was crying in your bed because he needed you and you weren't there to hold him! What the hell kind of fiance are you? What kind of husband are you going to be?! Damn it, damn it, damn it! My thoughts quickly turn, now all I want to do is string his parents up from the ceiling by their fingernails, then repeatedly kick their teeth in for making him hurt so much, no one fucking hurts Jepha like this and gets away with it... First thing's first though... I need to get that wonderful smile on Jepha's face again... his pained expression makes me hurt too... "Frankie...?" Jepha's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, I hug him to me tighter. "Of course it's okay baby, it's always okay, I told you to come over any time at all, and I meant it. I'm so sorry I wasn't here... I feel like a shitty fiance now... and how much damage are you willing to let me do to your parents?"

He laughs a little, which makes me smile, "Frankie don't feel shitty, how were you supposed to know I was going to my parent's house today?" I shrug and just hold him in silence for a few moments. "We don't need them, Jepha... all we need is each other... you know I love you, right?" I grin as he nods, "As long as you know that I love you." His lips press into mine, and I return his kiss, nodding as we break apart. "Baby would you let me go talk to them? I wont do anything dramatic... there's just some things I want to say," he shakes his head. "It's not worth it, Frank, they'll just tear you down and I don't want them to hurt you, I don't want anyone to hurt you." I link my fingers with his, "But they did hurt you and I don't like that... in my eyes... no one hurts you and gets away with it... no one, you're too wonderful to hurt."

He blushes a little, "I get what you're saying baby... but I just... I can't risk having them hurt you. Promise me you wont." My hands move around his back in two soothing circular motions. "I can't promise baby, I just can't sit back and let them get away with doing that to you... it's just plain fucked up of them to fucking disown you as their son because you found someone you love, someone you're gonna marry.. that just... that doesn't fly with me," I kiss his hair softly. He sighs, "Oh Frank... you and your stubbornness... I love you so much." My right hand moves up to push some of his hair behind his ear as I gaze into his eyes, "and I love you Jepha, I'm gonna fix this." I put my hand over his heart, which he reaches up and covers with his own, smiling at me. Operation: Successful. I brought that smile back.

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

Doctor office waiting rooms always make me so fucking nervous, I don't know why. Maybe it's because I can feel people staring at me. At least Mikey is here, his head on my shoulder, and my head resting against his. "Gerard Way?" the nurse with her little clipboard is standing in the doorway. I stand, as does Mikey, and we both follow the nurse into a small room with an ultrasound machine. "They're gonna do an ultrasound?" I ask, she smiles and nods, taking my blood pressure and temperature and other vitals, marking the numbers into my file. The nurse walks out and Mikey comes over to the small bed I'm sitting on and puts his hands on the sides of my face. "You okay Gee?" he asks. A grin forms on my face as I look up at him and nod, my hand moving over my large stomach. "I'm just thinking Mikey... I'm at least four months along now... I'm pretty sure that's when they can tell what gender it is," his eyes grow wide and he wraps his arms around me in a hug.

After what seems like at least an hour the doctor comes in. "Hi there Gerard, good to see you again, and you too Michael, how do you feel today?" Mikey sits back down to allow me to talk to the doctor, "There's morning sickness here and there, which I know is normal, and my back hurts a lot... haha I guess everything's just fine then huh?" The doctor laughs with me for a moment and checks a few things with my body and then listens for the baby's heartbeat with a small device with a speaker. Mikey comes back over to me and takes my hand, both of us releasing a squeal when we hear a small, rapid heartbeat.

The doctor has me change into a gown and lie on the bed, then he boots up the ultrasound machine. Mikey stands next to me, clutching my hand in his. The doctor squirts cold blue liquid onto my stomach and presses a few buttons on the machine, then places the small hand-held part against my skin. The screen fills with various shapes, all different shades of grey. He glides it around for a few minutes, Mikey and I both watching the screen in confusion and excitement when almost at once the image of a forming baby comes into focus. I gasp and I hear Mikey squeal, "There it is Mikey! It's our baby!" Mikey leans down and kisses my lips quickly. The doctor chuckles along with us, maneuvering the device around a bit, pressing various buttons to make measurements. He tells us the baby looks perfect and prints us a few pictures of the baby.

"Is it too early still to find out if it's a girl or a boy?" I ask. He laughs, " No it's not, but it depends on the baby's mood, if it wants to be in the right position to let us find out," I laugh, and squeal again when I look up at the screen and see a tiny arm move up against a tiny face. The doctor continues moving the thing around, "Ah!" he says suddenly, moving swiftly to freeze the image on the screen. He examines it a moment, "Well congratulations you two, in roughly five months you'll have a daughter." Mikey leans down and kisses me again, "We're gonna have a daughter Gee!" he squeals. I put my arms around his neck in an attempt at a hug in our awkward positioning here. I'm feeling so much joy at this moment. "I love you so much Mikey," thank god we found a doctor who by miracle doesn't know any of our relatives, he just thinks we're married... hah... I wish.

I reach up and give Mikey one more kiss before the doctor starts cleaning me up, then departs the room so I can get dressed again. Mikey sits in one of the chairs, admiring the printed ultrasound pictures. I smile to myself as I watch him, completely in awe, gently caress the image on the paper with his fingers. I love how he looks when he's content like that. He'll be such a wonderful father. I can hardly wait to see him, holding our... daughter (the thought of this brings an involuntary grin to my face), gazing at her just like he is at those pictures. He sighs, and sets the paper down on the desk, then walks over to me, gently skimming his hand over my bulging stomach. "These two, right here," he says, putting his arms around me, "are all I'll ever need. I love you, Gerard Way." I melt at his words, "and I love you, Michael Way. Now let's get out of here and home, asap, this little girl of ours is demanding food again."

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

Jepha didn't want me coming here, but I can't let him be walked on like this. I can't, he's much too wonderful for that. I take a deep breath and ring the door bell. After a few moments it opens, the woman standing there must be his mother, and I see that he got his eyes and nose from her... they look much better on him. "Can I help you?" she asks. "Mrs. Howard?" I answer with a question. "That would be me," she says. This is her... this is the woman who created my Jepha and then shunned him... how can she go on so cheerily? "Oh, well, Mrs. Howard, I'm a friend of your son, Jepha, and there's a few things I want to tell you." She starts to shut the door, "I have no son..." I reach out and grab the door. "Please... just a few things, it wont take long," she very, very reluctantly opens the door again.

"My name is Frank Iero, and I'm very much in love with your son... I've asked him to marry me, and he's accepted. If you're thinking he sent me, he didn't, he actually was dead set against me coming here, but there's some things I need you to know. You don't even need to listen, just hear me out. In my heart... Jepha is the most perfect human being on this planet, and he deserves only the best of everything. I do what I can to make sure he gets it. What he doesn't deserve, is being disowned by his own mother, why is being gay such a sin anyway?" she stammers for words, "God said..." she trails off. "God said what? That two men can't be together? Listen, tell me this, what kind of a God would damn one of his children, for being with someone who truly makes them happy? Let's ignore what's male and female here for a moment. Let's think about people... just people. Two people, they love each other, they love each other more than anything, their love grows stronger and stronger. The love they share is a force like nothing else. It's as big as the universe, bigger even. They simply happen to have in common their sex organs. It's not that big of a deal when looked at in that perspective, is it?"

She's dumbfounded. I fucking love being right. Not as much as I love Jepha though. "Thank you for your time, Mrs. Howard, I'll be going now... but one more thing. Jepha's better off without you... someone as low as you doesn't deserve his presence at all. I can't believe you could hurt something as beautiful as him, especially considering he IS your son, deny it or not. You don't deserve him, hell, I don't even deserve him, but at least I know he deserves better than what you gave him. Although... I would like to thank you... for creating him, because he was made for me, we were made for each other. I love him, and he loves me, and there's nothing you can do about it, I just better not find him crying his eyes out over something you've said to him again. He's too perfect for that. Goodbye now," I turn and jog down the porch, back to my car. I can't stop grinning to myself, satisfied with how that went, as I climb into the driver's seat, start the car, and head off to meet my Jepha.

With the wedding being only a month away now, we have heavy last minute planning to do. I'm meeting Jepha for lunch before we meet with a travel agent about our honeymoon. I pull up to the small diner, right next to Jepha's car, I hope he hasn't been waiting long. He looks up when the bell attached to the door jangles as I open it. I rush over and hug him tightly. "I missed you, baby" I say, honestly excited to see him. He laughs, I fucking love his laugh, "It's only been what... four... five hours since we were together last?" I kiss him sweetly, "True, but it's still a long time, and I can still miss you." He giggles, "okay okay I forfeit."

We sit next to each other at a booth. "Frankie people are staring at us," he whispers. I glance around. A few people are watching us, some with disgust, I giggle. "Let's give them a reason to watch," I giggle again, he grins at me, so I lean in and claim his lips in a sensual, passionate kiss, moving down to kiss his neck a little, then back up and finishing the kiss off on his lips. A few people groan in disgust, and we both laugh. "I love you," I whisper, putting my head on his shoulder and lifting the menu. "I love you more," he responds. "Let's not start this again, baby," I say, giggling yet again. He sighs. "Okay okay, but I love you a lot," I nod and lift my head to kiss his lips again, then the waitress appears to take our order.

"By the way, I missed you too, Frankie," he says quietly after the waitress walks away. I put my head on his shoulder again, releasing a sigh, "One more month baby, and we'll be married." He sighs contentedly, "I know... and it's gonna be the longest damn month of my life... but at the same time, go by way too fast."

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:19:14 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:18:11 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:17:15 GMT

Title: Everything's Perfect
Author: Me.
Rating: R, I'd say.
Pairing(s): Gerard/Mikey; Frank/Jepha
Summary: Awkward moments happen for a reason, Everything does.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys, I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
A/N: Okay so this one's back. Hoorah.

Chapters: 1; 2; 3; 4; 5; 6; 7

Chapter 8

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

"Jepha..." I whisper softly, my head is on his shoulder as we sit together on my couch. "Yeah?" he responds, gently running his fingers through my hair. "You know... it's been exactly a year since we met..." I say quietly, then lift my head to look at him. "Yeah... it's gone by so fast," he grins. My heart melts every time he smiles, so I return the favor and our lips meet. I pull away, "Baby I wanna tell you something," I say. He puts his arms around me, "Go ahead." "You know my ex, Mikey?" I ask, he nods, "If it weren't for him... you and I wouldn't have met." His eyes light up, "My god, I'll need to grovel at his feet and thank him next time I see him then." I laugh at his comment, "It was actually a really awkward situation, what happened, but I've never been happier that something like that happened."

"What happened?" he asks, I knew he would. "Well Mikey and I were... in the middle of... things... and he kind of um... said..." I know Mikey's trusting me with this secret... but I can't keep things from Jepha... I'll tell him later on... he'll understand, if he's the Jepha I know and love he'll understand, "he said someone else's name. So I left and went to the bar, and met you." He laughs, "Wow... well... I still want to thank him, because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, Frankie." I kiss his lips sweetly, "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me baby, I love you." He lets out a small squeal, I love how giddy he gets when I tell him that. Hell, I do the same thing. "I love you too," he whispers, and there I go. I'm pretty sure Mr. Jepha Howard is the only person in the universe that can actually make me squeal... by simply saying three words, three simple, yet far from simple, words.

He looks at his watch, "I should go Frankie, it's late," he kisses my lips, "I love you." He stands and heads for the door, before he's too far I reach out and take his hand. I look up into his eyes. "Stay?" I ask. He stops and stares into my eyes. "We don't have to... you know... that's not why I want you to stay... I just... god I feel like an ass now... I just want to be near you..." He reaches out and lifts my chin with his fingers. "I'd love to stay," he says. I stand and kiss him, then, keeping a hold of his hand, lead him to my bedroom. This is working like a charm, I have a surprise for him for the morning, and waking him up after sleeping in his arms is the most perfect way I can think of to give it to him.

We climb into my bed and hold each other. I can't help but grin, this feels so perfect. Just me and my Jepha in my bed holding each other. "I love you baby," I whisper, and he says it back. I kiss his lips good night and before I know it sleep is passing over both of us. Morning can't come soon enough.

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

I'm almost asleep when I hear Jepha's soft voice, "Frankie... babe, are you still awake?" I trace the side of his face with my fingers, gently, "Even if I wasn't, I'd wake up for you, something wrong?" comes my reply. "Nothing wrong I just... I wanted to see your eyes," he says bashfully. I prop myself up on my elbow and look into his eyes. A smile comes to my lips when he puts his hands around my waist. "I love you so much Frankie," he whispers. I lower my head and kiss him, "I love you too baby, I'm so happy you're staying." His hands move along my back, rubbing up and down soothingly. "I'm happy I'm staying too... I'm happy to do anything with you," he says quietly, before kissing me again.

Our kisses become more and more fevered over the next few minutes. Then he does something he's never done before... he grinds his hips into mine. We pull away from each other, both panting. I'm horny as hell right now, but I know he wants to wait so I'm not going to try to rush into anything. Next thing I know he's got my hand in his, guiding it down and into his pants. His lips seal to mine once again, a groan escaping his lips as my fingers come into contact with his steadily growing excitement. "Jepha I... I..." I stammer, "I don't want to make you do anything you're gonna regret." He pushes himself up against my hand, "Frankie I'm not gonna regret anything... I can't regret anything when I'm with you."

I lean in and kiss his lips, "Baby..." I laugh slightly, "you can't exactly trust yourself right now, it's the lust talking." This is taking all my self control at this moment... it would be so easy to take advantage of this moment and just fuck him senseless, but I can't, he wants to wait, I'd rather respect his wishes than anything else. I love him. "Frankie," he gasps as my fingers involuntarily curl around him inside his pants, "F-frankie, I need you... please? I need you so bad." My lips capture his again in a deep kiss, and without knowing it I start to slowly pump him with my hand. "Oh god... Frankie... mmmm," he groans, I can't tell him no... but I can't take advantage either... "Okay Jepha," I whisper, "how about just a handjob then? Enough to get you off, but not so much that you'll regret it later."

He nods, "Okay babe... just... ungh god, just don't stop touching me." I smirk and start to suck on his neck as I quicken the pace of my hand. I keep at it, unable to stop grinning as I watch his face contort with pleasure. I've never seen him like this, and it's beautiful, so fucking beautiful, and to know it's because of something I'm doing makes it just that much better. My breath catches in my throat as I feel his shy hand slip past mine and into my pants, his fingers curling around my neglected erection. "I want to make you feel good too," he explains between groans, "like you're doing for me." My thumb manages to brush over his tip, eliciting the most beautiful moan from his lips.

By now we've both wriggled out of our pants, only to make things easier so we're not struggling against constricting fabric. "God Frankieeeee," he groans, "that feels so... good... don't stop." I press my lips to his, "I wont... as long as you don't stop either... oh fuck yes!" He strokes me furiously, and it feels amazing, I didn't ever think a handjob could feel so good... well... I guess this is Jepha... the man I love, so that must be adding to it. "I'm so close Frankie..." he says with a low moan. I focus all my attention away from his hand pumping me and look at his face, I want to watch him when he comes. It's beautiful... his entire body strains inward, then out, and he starts to tremble. His shaking hands reach up to pull me into a kiss, and then his head is thrown back into the pillow, and with a loud cry of my name, and his face contorted in pleasure, he releases over my hand.

The image alone is enough to finish me off, not to mention his hand gripping me a bit tighter as he climaxed. I call out his name as my seed spurts from me and into his hand and my stomach. We lazily hold each other close, desperately gasping for air. "That was incredible, Frankie," he whispers after a kiss on my lips. I smile at him and kiss him again, "You made it incredible, baby," I say in response, pulling the blanket up over us. "I love you, Jepha," I whisper softly, sweetly, into his ear as I cuddle into him, preparing for sleep, considering that I'm exhausted. "I love you too, Frankie," he says, putting his arms around me, preparing for sleep as well. We both drift off, never wanting to let go.

(A/N: Woo... I think that's possibly the longest handjob I've ever written O_O)

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

The soft sound of birds chirping wakes me up. I grin at the fact that Mikey's still curled into me... he is every morning, but I never get sick of seeing it. My fingers gently move over his face, caressing every inch of it... I've memorized his face by now, but to feel it beneath my fingers is so beautiful. His eyelashes begin to flutter and he stirs slightly. My heart melts when his beautiful eyes open and look up into mine. "Morning, baby," I whisper, "how'd you sleep?" He lifts his head just enough to place a small kiss on my lips, "I slept great, I always sleep great when I'm in your arms. What about you?" I smile at him, "Same." I sit up and kiss him sweetly, "I'm gonna get a morning fire going, we should have some breakfast," he nods in agreement and stretches his arms over his head.

After about fifteen minutes he comes trudging out of the tent, then wraps his arms around my waist as I make the two of us some hot cocoa. "Gee do you really think we can do it?" he asks randomly. I turn and look into his eyes, "Do what baby?" He places a soft kiss on the tip of my nose. "You know... be parents, you really think we can?" he asks again, gently running his hand over my stomach. I pull him close to me. "Baby I have no doubt in my mind that you and me can do anything we put our minds to, as long as we're together," I kiss him softly and pull back to look into his eyes. "You really think so?" he asks. I nod and put my arms around him tightly again. "Mikey, baby, my love," I whisper into his ear, "I honestly believe that you and me together, if we had the desire, could conquer the world."

He giggles softly, his arms wrapped around my neck now, "I love you, Gerard," he says. I kiss his lips, "I love you too Mikey." He sighs and looks down, biting his lip. "What's the matter?" I ask, truly concerned. "I just... I worry that I wont know how to raise a child right... you know?" I give him a reassuring smile, "It's okay Mikey... I'm nervous too, but I know you'll be a great father. This is a life we created... you and me, we've created a life here, and it's all going to work out, I mean... sure there will be trials, but... everything will be okay, as long as we stay together, and stay strong." He clings to me, "You always know exactly what to say to make everything perfect again, Gee..." he whispers. I softly kiss his hair and turn, continuing with the hot cocoa.

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

Sunshine glitters through the blinds of my bedroom window and into my eyes, waking me. Jepha's head is resting on my chest, he's still asleep. Slowly, I begin to pet his hair as he sleeps, last night was so amazing, so perfect. I feel him begin to stir, and his head moves, lifting and then he looks up at me. "Morning baby," I say, smiling warmly at him. "Morning," he coos. "Sleep good?" I ask. "Yeah," he says, "better than I have in a long time, actually." I shift a little so I can kiss him. "Same here," I murmur into his lips. I take a deep breath... I need to do this now or I'll lose my nerve and get all weird. "Baby, sit up for a moment, there's something I need to tell you." Another deep breath. Okay, here goes nothing.

We both sit up and I take his hand in mine, holding it delicately, running my fingertips over it, examining it. A final breath and I look up into his eyes. "Jepha... baby... this past year has been so perfect... so wonderful... so amazing. Since I found you... everything in my life has made sense. You... Jepha... you're the love of my life... you're my everything." Tears are starting, damn it, I can't cry, not now, the moment's too wonderful, so I lighten the mood, "Not to mention... last night blew me away..." He blushes, so I keep going, reaching to my bedside table and producing a small box from the drawer. "Baby... when I tell you that no one else in the world makes me feel the things you do... I really mean it. You mean so much to me, your eyes never leave my mind, at all. You are the reason I keep going each and every day. Knowing I'll get to be near you is enough to keep me happy for months. I want to be near you forever... so I ask of you... Mister Jepha Howard... would you do me the honor of... becoming my husband?"

I open the box for him to reveal a white gold band, three diamonds embedded in a simple, yet beautiful little pattern. He's not even looking at the ring, he's looking into my eyes, which are leaking tears now. Damn it, I wasn't going to cry, but I notice he's doing the same thing. "Frankie... you didn't even need to ask... of course I'll marry you..." he throws his arms around me, and finally notices the box I'm holding. "Oh there's a ring too?" I laugh with him as I remove the ring and shakily place it on his finger. "It's beautiful Frank... but not as beautiful as you... nothing is, I love you Frank Iero." I kiss his lips lovingly, then pull back, "and I love you Jepha Howard."

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:16:09 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:15:14 GMT

Title: Everything's Perfect
Author: Me.
Rating: R, I'd say.
Pairing(s): Gerard/Mikey; Frank/Jepha
Summary: Awkward moments happen for a reason, Everything does.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys, I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
A/N: Okay so this one's back. Hoorah.

Chapters: 1; 2; 3; 4; 5

Chapter 6

*~*Next Day*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

I've decided something... It's only been a month that we've been a couple, but I'm sure of this. I've never been more sure of anything in my life, and I'm gonna tell him, tonight. I love Jepha... he makes me feel something I've never felt with anyone else before. When he's sad, I'm sad, and when he's happy, I'm happy. I've decided, even if he doesn't say it back when I tell him, that isn't going to matter... because I really do love him, and as long as he just knows it... I'll be okay. Still, I find myself a nervous wreck as I stare at his number on my cell phone screen, my thumb hovering over the 'call' button.

Calm the fuck down, Iero, god. I'm not telling him over the phone I'm just calling him to suggest we get together tonight. I can call my own boyfriend and suggest a date, I can, I can! I'm doing it, I close my eyes, bite my lip, and press the button, and then put the phone to my ear. He picks up on the second ring. "Hey babe," he says, joy in his voice. This makes me smile, "Hey Jepha, you busy tonight?" He chuckles, "I am now," he says simply. "We need to go out tonight," I say, "there's something I want to tell you."

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

I'm pacing around my living room, nervous as all hell, waiting for Jepha to come pick me up. I've been ready for hours. I hear a knock at the door and nearly jump out of my skin, then rush over and open it. It's him, so I throw my arms around him and give him a kiss. "Good to see you too," he says with a laugh. I turn and lock my door, then join him to go to his car. "Where do you want to go?" he asks, I shrug. "I really don't care, somewhere where we can talk, I just love being with you," I finish my sentence with a smile. He turns a light shade of pink, and nods, "I know the perfect place." He stops the car in some random area and comes around the car to open my door, it's become habit now. He takes my hand and guides me around to the back of the car, where he opens the trunk with the key and pulls out a small folded blanket, which he drapes over his arm, then shuts the trunk.

I follow him to a small grassy hill, completely deserted, perfect. We climb to the top, hand in hand, and then he spreads the blanket out on the grass. He tells me to sit down and then he joins me, putting his arms around me. "So what's up?" he asks, his chin on my shoulder. I turn my face to look at him, he really has no clue how pretty he is, I just smile slightly and then press my lips to his. "You're gorgeous, you know," I whisper after we break our kiss for air. He blushes, I love it when he blushes, and then shakes his head, "Not as much so as you." I laugh, "Oh come on, Jepha, let's not start this one up again." He laughs too and then kisses me again. "Seriously though, Frankie, what did you want to tell me?" he asks, it's so sweet when he's concerned like this.

A heavy sigh finds its way out of me and I look up at the stars. I then look down and chew on my lip a little, and hear Jepha's voice, "Frankie... are you okay?" I smile and nod, reaching out to take his hand, then lie down on the blanket. He lies next to me and I lift his hand close to my face to look at it. "Do you know... you've got beautiful hands, Jepha?" I ask, and he blushes again, bringing a smile to my lips. "Okay I want to ask you something," I say, grinning. "Shoot," he grins back. "How is it... that you always have the most amazingly perfect places to bring me on our dates?" he keeps smiling and shrugs, "I just get bored sometimes, and explore... you find great random places that way." I laugh again and pull him close to me, "Jeph... I really really enjoy being with you... I know how fuckin' sappy this sounds but... I feel all... tingly... when I'm with you, and I love... it."

Damn it, I chickened out... I was so close to saying it too, and heat slowly begins to rise to my face. Before it can I pull him into a kiss, that, when he moves so he's on top of me, quickly turns into a make out session. He slightly pulls back, panting, "I like being with you too, Frankie," he smiles and starts kissing me again. After a while, I realize I need to stop myself and respect his wishes of taking things slow, so I break our kiss, and sit up. He sits up too and puts his head on my shoulder again. "You okay babe?" he asks, concerned. I smile at him and take his hand in mine, I'm going to tell him. Now.

"Remember how I wanted to tell you something?" he nods, "Well I've been thinking this through a lot during the past week or so, and I've come to a definite decision," he cuts me off. "You're breaking up with me aren't you?" he looks like he's about to cry, "I... I had a feeling you were too good to be true..." he whispers quietly, sadly, looking down. Did he really think that? My heart breaks as I watch a single tear slide down his cheek. I reach up and catch it, then wipe it away. "God no, Jepha, I don't want to break up with you... I... I... what I wanted to tell you tonight is..." he finally looks up at me, "I..." I bite my lip, why the hell am I so damn nervous?! "I.. love you, Jepha," and out it comes.

"Y-you... what, Frankie?" he stutters, pulling me close to him. I look up into his eyes, "I said I love you, Jepha." He blinks a few times, "R-really?" I nod and give him a warm smile. "I... oh god I'm sorry Frankie, I just... I found you and you're so great, I've just been so paranoid about messing it up, an-" I cut him off with a kiss, which he almost immediately melts into. He pulls back, and opens his lips to speak, I put my right index finger over them, "If you don't feel ready to say it back, you don't have to, I'm happy with you just knowing how I feel, I mean that." He smiles and leans in to kiss me again.

We lie back on the blanket and gaze up at the stars, then he moves so his head is resting on my chest. Without realizing it, my hand moves up and my fingers lazily thread through his hair, again and again. "Frank?" he says softly. "Yeah?" I respond. "You... you really love me?" he asks. I smile to myself, my fingers moving through his hair slow to a gentle stop, "Yes Jepha... I really love you... I've been thinking and... I just... when I see you smile, I get this fuzzy feeling in my heart, and it almost hurts, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. But when I see you sad, or just remotely unhappy... it does hurt, and all I want to do is anything it takes to see you smile again." He lifts his head and looks into my eyes, "Really?" I nod, and continue, "I've never met anyone else who makes me feel this way, and I just... I know it's love."

I feel his fingers gently push my fringe of hair away from my eyes. "You... you're the first person, well... besides maybe family... that's ever said that to me... and meant it..." his fingers softly trail down the side of my face, "and you know... you have really fuckin' beautiful eyes." I smile and lift my head for a quick kiss, "You're the first person I've said that to... and so do you, you have no idea how beautiful you are, but that's okay, I love that about you... I love everything about you." I feel myself blush, and he grins, "You're cute when you blush, Frankie." This makes me blush more and he giggles. Eventually, after we both laugh for a few moments, we're lying together again, looking up into the dark night sky. "You know what's really a shame?" I ask, he turns his head to look into my eyes, "that this night is so perfect... and it's gonna come to an end."

"You know what though, Frank?" he replies, "We're gonna keep having nights, just like this one, and they'll quite possibly get even better." This time I lay my head on his chest, and breathe him in. We lay like that for a long while, time isn't even an element here. "I... I love you too Frank," Jepha's voice startles me a bit, and I lift my head to see his face. "I've been laying here thinking... and the way you described your feelings for me... It's ... exactly how I feel about you... it really is, so if that's love then... I do, I love you Frank." My heart flutters heavily as those four words roll off his tongue. Trying to hide the joy I feel at this moment would not only be a huge mistake, but also impossible. I put on, quite possibly, the biggest smile in my life, and lean down to kiss him.

Reluctantly, we finally get up and head back to Jepha's car. Once he's put the blanket away in the trunk, and opened the passenger side door for me, then gotten into the driver's seat, he starts the car and heads off to take me home. When we arrive, as usual, he gets out and comes to my side to open my door. We walk to my front door hand in hand, and then our usual goodnight kiss, but this time it's different, not that I'm complaining about how it was before, but this time a few more words will be spoken. "Good night Frankie, I," he giggles, "I love you." I kiss his cheek and hug him tightly, "Night, baby, I love you too." I grin as he nearly squeals, "You just called me 'baby'." I laugh nervously, "Yeah... that's okay, r-right?" He chuckles and kisses me again sweetly, "Of course it is, and I'll talk to you tomorrow, love you." I squeeze him into a hug once more, "Okay, 'night, again... love you too.... baby."

Once I'm inside, I let my head roll along the door as I lean against it, basking in the joy of everything that just happened with Jepha... we're in love. I'm all giddy with happiness, who knew being in love was so wonderful? Not only did he unexpectedly say it back, but it feels at least a million times better than I thought it would. I, Frank Iero, feel like skipping down the street right about now. To think... going to the bar after the incident with Mikey would result in what I'm feeling right now. Shit.. I should call Mikey!

*~*Mikey's P.O.V.*~*

I'm on the couch, cuddled into Gerard, watching some random horror movie, when we're interrupted by the phone ringing. I groan at the interruption, and pause the movie, giving Gerard a quick kiss before getting up to answer it. It's Frank. "Hello?" I say. "Hey Mikey... look, sorry, I know it's late and everything but I have some wonderful news!" I laugh a little, "What is it Frankie?" He lets out a... squeal? Did Frankie just squeal? He did... and then he starts talking, almost a billion miles a minute. "I went out with my boyfriend Jepha tonight, and told him I love him, and he said it back! And god... I didn't have any idea being head over heels in love like this felt so GOOD. Wow. Then I realized, I have you to thank for it." I pause a minute, letting everything he said sink in, he'd said it all so fast, silly Frankie. "Me?" I ask, unsure of what he'd meant.

"Yes, you, Mikey, because if you hadn't have said Gerard's name while we were.. you know.. I wouldn't have left and gone to the bar, where I met him, and now all this and just... Thank you Mikey, I mean it, thank you so much. Who knew that something like that would be the best thing to ever happen to me?" I laugh a little, "It wasn't the best thing to happen to you, Frank, it appears as though my actions pointed you in the direction of the best thing that's ever happened to you. I'm really happy for you, Frank, it looks like that one moment has caused everything to work out for the both of us." He laughs, "Yes, it has, I'm glad you're happy too, yeah Look, sorry I rambled on like that, but I was about to burst so I needed to tell someone and couldn't think of anyone but you."

"Okay Frankie, that's fine, I'm seriously glad to know you're doing so good, and I'd love to talk to you more about it, but I was in the middle of watching a movie with Gee, can we talk more tomorrow or something?" I ask, he doesn't argue a bit. "Oh, no that's fine, I just needed to tell you, and thank you, talk to you later Mikey." I tell him goodbye and hang up, then return to the couch and curl back into Gerard. "What was that all about?" he asks. "That was Frankie, it's funny how things work sometimes Gee... something as odd as me calling you your name while he was fucking me, has resulted into everything being perfect for all of us. He's found someone he's head over heels in love with and he's practically bursting with joy... haha he actually called to tell me that and to thank me for saying your name."

Gerard kisses me, "Well I'd like to thank you for calling my name too, because if Frank hadn't have left acting so strange, I wouldn't have gone to inspect what happened and you might have never kissed me that night." I wrap my arms around him, "I guess sometimes, something just has to happen to result in everything wonderful." He nods and leans back in to kiss me again. "So where were we?" he asks, pressing play and resuming our movie. I snuggle into him like I'd been before the phone rang. I have a slight fuzzy feeling inside me, Frank's right... if not for that one awkward moment between us, neither of us would be anywhere near as happy as we are right now.

I guess everything happens for a reason.

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:14:17 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:13:14 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:12:13 GMT

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:09:18 GMT

Back by... a single person's demand, because I have no life hahaha.

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 16:05:39 GMT

Title: Everything's Perfect
Author: Me.
Rating: R, I'd say.
Pairing(s): Gerard/Mikey; Frank/Jepha
Summary: Awkward moments happen for a reason, Everything does.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys, I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
A/N: Okay so this one's back. Hoorah.

*~*Mikey's P.O.V.

Frank crawls up between my legs and pushes himself into me slowly. "Oooh god Frankie," I groan, wrapping my legs around him. He allows me to adjust to having him in me for a moment before pulling out and thrusting back in. "Ooh Frankie... oh fuck, so good," I moan, causing him to steadily increase the speed of his movements. Once he's completely into it and lost in fucking me, I let my eyes slip shut. In my mind, Frank changes form, I know it's wrong that I do this, but I can't help it, all I want is this one person and if I can't have him; the least I can do is pretend. It's not like Frank and I are in love, we're both in this arrangement sole-ly for sex.

I keep my eyes closed and envision this figure in my mind, as his pounding into me becomes more and more frantic. We both grow closer and closer to climax, and then he shifts, hitting my prostate dead on. Not that I'm complaining, because I fucking love that, but he couldn't possibly have selected a worse time to do that, because the next thing I know, I'm calling out the name of the person I've been seeing behind my closed eyelids. "Fuuuck, oh fuck Yes! Right there Gerard, mmmngh," and I'm in deep shit... not only did I call out the wrong name during sex, but I called out my brother's name... during sex.

Frank stops his movements suddenly, and I just know he's looking at me. I reluctantly lift my eyelids... slowly... and see an expression of shock on Frankie's beautiful face. He is beautiful... just not as beautiful as my brother, at least not to me. "What.... the fuck Mikey?" he asks. What do I say to that? How do I respond? I have no idea, so I just stay quiet as he pulls out of me and gets off the bed, looking for his clothes. He pulls them on, but before he walks out the door he turns to face me, "Call me when you're done fantasizing about your brother, I can't do this anymore," he says as he leaves, slightly shuddering.

Well what now? I guess first thing's first, I look down at my still throbbing hard erection and reach down to it with my right hand. My eyes slip shut once again as I start to stroke myself, returning to the vision I'd had before of my brother atop me, fucking me. My hand speeds up and a moan escapes my lips, I'm right on the edge. I thrust my hips up to meet my hand and here I go, releasing over my hand with a final moan of my older brother's name. So maybe this isn't normal, maybe I'm fucked up... but I like it like that, more than anything I want this to be Gerard's hand that has my come dripping over it. That's how things are supposed to be. Always.

I lie there, panting for a few minutes, trying to regain my composure. Suddenly a voice tears my eyes open; "Mikey..." it's Gerard. What had he seen? Had he just come in? Had he seen me jerking off? Had he... heard me call his name? Then the realization comes to me that I'm still laying here naked, with my hand on my crotch, covered in sticky white liquid. Without thinking I tug a blanket over myself, and look over at him. "Hey Gee..." I don't know what else to say. He cuts me off, "What the fuck was that Mikey? Did you just fucking get yourself off, thinking about me?? That's sick Mike... really fuckin' sick." He turns to leave. Finally words don't seem so hard to make and I speak up just before he's completely out of the doorway. "Gerard. Wait." He stops, but doesn't turn to look at me.

As I continue to speak, I look down to the floor and locate my jeans, and pull them on and get off the bed. "Gee... if you find it so sick why were you watching?" He still won't look at me. But... he's still not walking away either. I'm slowly walking across the room to him now, but suddenly stop when he finally speaks, "I... I don't know Mikey... but it's wrong, you can't feel that way... It's sick, and wrong... and... You just can't. You need to find a way to put a stop to those feelings, it's not right." He's still not looking at me. I realize my entire body is trembling, why? I have no idea why, but I can't stop it. "I can't Gerard, I can't stop these feelings... do you honestly think I haven't tried?... I know how fucked up it is... but I don't care anymore... I just... I don't know, no matter what I do, it won't go away," I whisper the last part of this and look down.

He shifts his position and I look up slightly, he's finally looking at me. "Mikey, you need to get yourself some help. I don't know what else to tell you. I care about you, you're my little brother, I'm always gonna care about you, but you seriously need to get yourself some help... it's just not right," his face is expressionless as he continues to stare at me. I continue to look down at the floor... I don't know what to say to him, I knew I'd never have him, but to have him stare at me like this and tell me it's sick and fucked up and wrong... it hurts. He's starting to leave again, so I speak up, suddenly thinking maybe I should try and show him... though I doubt it'll work, but I just can't lose him like this... I can't... I won't make it without him, "Gerard. Please wait..." he stops again, "if you care about me... will you just... let me try... One thing... and if nothing happens... I promise I'll get help..." I swallow a lump in my throat and look up at him, still trembling.

He releases a heavy sigh and turns to me, "Okay, Mikey... one thing, what is it?" I say nothing and walk over so I'm standing right next to him. I take a deep breath and lick my lips, then close my eyes, telling myself it's now or never. Before I can chicken out of this situation, I quickly lean in, attaching my lips to his. The second our lips make contact it's like an electric rush, followed by a wave of... something... I can't even describe it, but nothing in all my life has ever felt more right. Then I realize; he hasn't pulled away. He's kissing me back, and I feel his arms wrap around my trembling body, making me still.

I part my shaky, nervous lips and sneak my tongue out, in a daring attempt, and touch his lips with it. To my surprise, he releases a soft moan, his lips part, and our tongues meet. Never in my life have I tasted a kiss as sweet as this. Damn lungs, I need air so I reluctantly pull away and gasp for air. Gerard's beautiful eyes are now staring into mine, in complete shock. I piece the situation together... he kissed back, he moaned, he opened his lips, and his arms are still holding me against him. He felt the same thing I did when our lips met. That has to be it. I look at him questioningly. Before I can even move my lips to ask if he'd felt it too he kisses me again, I melt into him and return the kiss, this one isn't shy and unsure, but filled with passion.

He pulls away and looks at me, "M-Mikey... I'm... shit... wow... I've got no words... I've never felt that before." That confirms my suspicions, he had felt it too. I move my finger up to his lips to hush him, but he moves away just enough to avoid being hushed. "Mikey... I need to say this... I felt something... I'm not sure what it was... but I know... fuck I can't believe I'm saying this. I know I want to keep feeling that... it was wonderful... I'm so sorry Mikey... for saying you're sick and fucked up... god how do I word this?" This time I succeed in hushing him, then I replace my finger with my lips and pull back and look at him.

"I understand completely Gee... I knew I just needed to show you... what we could have... and I forgive you," I say as I keep staring at him. His arms are still around me. Suddenly I notice.. he's trembling. "Come on Gee, you're shaking, let's sit down," I say as I guide him to the bed and we sit down at the end. I think I'm in a slight form of shock... because I can hardly believe any of this is happening. He went from telling me I'm a sick fucked up boy to sitting here with his arms around me... with a single kiss. Finally it comes to me... I was right... that 'one thing' was all it took. I turn my gaze from my lap and look up at him. "Gee..." I whisper, unsure of what I want to say to him. He turns to me, "It's okay Mikey," he says gently, before pulling me into a kiss.

I feel everything he's trying to say in this kiss, everything, and then I know that this... this is far from wrong. This is right. A single tear of joy rolls down my cheek, which he spots as he pulls away. His left hand reaches up and cradles my face, his thumb catching that tear, then wiping away the trail it left leading to my right eye. My eyes flutter shut and I feel his fingers, so softly, touching every part of my face, like he's trying to memorize it. Over both my eyes, then down my jaw line, over my chin, up the other side along the jaw line, up the curve of my left ear, over to my nose, and then down the bridge and to my lips. Then his fingers are gone and I feel his lips on mine once again. So perfect.

My hands find their way to Gerard's shoulders and ever so gently push him down onto the bed. Our legs entwine together as our kiss deepens. The horrible moment of needing air comes again and we break apart, and look into each others' eyes. His lips move to speak, "I'm so sorry Mikey... I know you said you forgive me, but... that doesn't make what I said okay... this... this is the most... How do I say this? Nothing has ever felt more... right... in my life... I'm so sorry Mikey... I... I've never been happier to be proven wrong." I smile at him and kiss him again.

His voice shakes slightly as he speaks again, "I... I love you, Mikey..." I feel my breath catch, and I look up at him. "You... you're supposed to Gee, you're my brother..." I say, and he shakes his head. "No... Mikey... I love you... I can't believe it's taken me so long to realize that," his voice fades into a whisper toward the end of his statement. A smile creeps into my lips and I lean up, kissing him yet again, "I love you too, Gerard." I giggle softly and he looks at me, "What's so funny?" he asks. I giggle again and say, "We can be fucked up weirdos together." He smiles, "I like the sound of that," he says, putting his arms around me tighter, "we should always be together."

I nod my head in agreement and snuggle into him, "It's late babe," he says, and I blush at the fact that he just called me 'babe', "let's get to bed." I look up at him, hopeful, "Together?" I ask, almost pleadingly. He chuckles, "I wouldn't go to bed any other way, not anymore." We both make our way up the bed to the pillows and get under the blankets, then he pulls me against him and I lay my head on his chest. I yawn and realize there's one last thing I need to say to him before we fall asleep. "Hey Gee?" I say gently, lifting my head, and he moans a soft "Hmm?" as his eyebrows raise slightly. "You're... beautiful," I whisper and I see him smile. I replace my head on his chest, starting to drift away to the sound of his heartbeat. Perfect, everything about this is just... perfect. "You are too," he whispers, and I can hear the blush in his voice. I grin, blushing myself, and lightly press my lips to his chest before finally being taken by sleep.

*~*Frank's P.O.V.*~*

I wake up to my cell phone ringing. Groaning as I roll over and look at the clock, I notice it's just after twelve noon. I groggily pick up my phone and look at the small screen. 'Mikey', it reads. I flip it open and put it against my ear. "Hey," I say as my greeting. "Frank!" he says, excitedly, "Uh huh?" I continue. "You told me to call you when I was done fantasizing about Gerard," he says. Wow... he sure wants to get laid. "That quick huh?" I say with a smirk. "Yeah," he continues, "because I'm living it out now." Okay yeah... I'm in shock. At least he's happy and I don't have to worry about fucking someone who's just gonna pretend I'm someone else. I don't feel like processing this just yet so I tell him I've gotta go. We hang up and I fish through the pockets of last night's jeans on the floor, searching for the small slip of paper I'd received from the very attractive boy I met at the bar last night after leaving Mikey's house.

Finally finding it, I dial the scribbled number, I hear that voice on the other end after he picks up. "Hey..." I say nervously, "It's Frank... the guy from the bar." The voice on the other end sounds excited. "Is the invitation for dinner still on? ... Awesome. ... Tonight? ... Perfect. ... See ya then, Jepha." I hang up, smiling to myself, everything's perfect now.

Hurry Home

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 15:49:32 GMT

Title: Hurry Home
Author: anyone_notice
Pairing: Gerard/Frank (Mention of Gerard/Mikey)
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R. Blood, violence.
POV: Reg. = Frank; Underline = Gerard
Summary: What's going on here? Will They make it out alive?
Disclaimer: Given the exception here of 'Jennifer' and 'Chris' I don't own ANY of these characters. This is all fictional. Completely.
Author Note: Okay some of you may notice this was inspired by the movie "Saw" (what can I say? I'm twisted) andd... other than that all I can think to say is. It's a standalone. Enjoy (and comment)

When I woke up, it was cold. I felt the damp wall against my back. I opened my eyes and only saw blackness. I waited for my eyes to adjust, but they didn't. It was so dark. I reached out in the darkness and only felt what could only be tile beneath me. What happened? The last thing I could remember was heading home... "Hello?" I called. Silence. I didn't even know if I was alone or not. My head throbbed. Where was Gerard? Where was Jennifer? I tried calling out to my husband, "Gerard?" Nothing. I decided to try and get up, but I found myself bound at the ankles. I called for Gerard again, louder. I was getting scared. Where was he? Where was our daughter, Jennifer? Was she okay? Were they both okay? I started to panic.

Suddenly, a voice caught me off guard. "Hello?" it was a man. It sounded oddly like my brother in law, Mikey. "Mikey?" I asked, my panicking going down slightly at the thought of a familiar face. "Frank?" the voice responded. Yes, it was Mikey. "Yeah it's Me... do you know what's going on?" I asked. "No," he said. I reached out again, but felt only dead air, and tile. "Where are you?" I asked then. He replied, "I'm over here... where are you?" I laughed nervously, "I'm over here... Do you have any idea where Gerard could be?" It was silent a moment, "No... I don't Frank, I'm sorry." I hung my head, disappointed. I needed him so bad. "Can you feel anything like a light switch?" he asked, "I can't... I fucking hate the dark." I noted that there was a slight echo to his voice. Then I decided maybe I should try and find a light switch or something. I hadn't even thought of it.

I managed to get myself up onto my knees, and started feeling along the wall. It was so cold. I shivered slightly touching it. Finally my hand closed onto some kind of a switch, so I fumbled with it until something clicked and the room was flooded with artificial light. It burned for a moment, having been bathed in darkness for God knows how long. I squinted and looked up to find where Mikey was. Along the way, I saw the room we were in. It seemed to have possibly been abandoned. There was one door, in the far corner. Neither of us were anywhere near it. I spotted Mikey, he looked like he'd been sleeping too. "Oh thank God," he said, "light." I slid down the wall back to the floor, and noticed that whatever bound my legs together was tied to a pipe in the wall.

Immediately, I crawled over and tried to untie it. Where the hell was Gerard? I needed him so bad, I needed to know that he was okay. Who the hell brought me here? I found that the cord used to tie me up was intricately laced with needles, which sliced into my fingers with each attempt I made to untie it. I got nowhere. I tried again and again, but had to stop on account of the fear that I could be losing too much blood. When I looked up, I saw Mikey watching me in fear. "What... the fuck?" he asked. I shook my head, "I want to know where the hell we are... and I need Gerard... you honestly don't know?" I responded. He shook his head, looking down. He was tied too, just like me, only on the opposite side of the room. I leaned my head against the wall, trying to wrap my blood-covered hands into my shirt. If anything happened to Gerard there'd be hell to pay... even more so if anything happened to Jennifer.

Gerard and I had been married about a year or so before we decided to adopt, and the moment we both laid eyes on the tiny baby Jennifer, we knew she belonged with us. She's so beautiful. An image of her sleeping in her bed passed my mind, her stuffed doll clutched in her arm, her dark brown hair falling over her angelic face. What the fuck was all this about? I thought about Gerard too. Our marriage had been so happy, of course the occasional argument here and there, but what couple doesn't argue? We had each other and we had Jennifer, what the hell could have lead to this, and why was it happening? I started to take deep breaths. "What's the last thing you remember?" Mikey asked me. I shrugged, "Driving home... Jenny called my cell to ask when I'd be there cause she wanted to kiss me good night, so I was eager to get there. Then I was here..." He nodded, "She's such a cutie," he said, "Best niece ever." I sighed, "You have no idea how badly I need to know that she's okay..." He sighed, nodding in understanding.

That was it! My cell phone! I couldn't believe I didn't think of it. I felt around for it in my pockets. I reached in and pulled it out, but it wasn't mine. It didn't look familiar at all. I didn't care, it was a phone. I opened it up and hastily dialed for home, wincing slightly at pressing the buttons with my injured fingers. Nothing. I tried again, but still... I got nothing. I looked at the small screen and saw that it read "No service". Damn it! I thought. I started to panic again. How the hell was Mikey staying so calm? I wondered. I tried to concentrate on keeping my breathing even. I just wanted to get the hell out of here, and run to Gerard's arms. It had to be a nightmare, I decided I was having a nightmare and started begging myself to wake up so my wonderful husband could comfort me in our nice, warm bed. Then I could get up and go see Jenny sleeping peacefully in her bed. It was all I wanted at the moment. To just wake up and curl into Gerard's comforting arms.

I closed my eyes, it wasn't real. None of it. Wake up. Wake up. Wake the fuck up, Frank. What if it's not? Suddenly, my mind filled with thoughts of both Jenny and Gerard tied up, just like me. Scared for their lives. My breathing quickened. The two people I loved more than anything could be in danger, and the mere idea of that made my stomach queasy. There was nothing I could do. I felt everything growing darker. My panic grew thicker. Mikey said something, but I hardly heard him. I needed to know if my husband and daughter were okay, more-so than I needed oxygen. My eyes were closed, and behind them I could see Gerard, his beauty. Then it turned to him bound, and scared like I was. I then thought of Jenny, her warm smile, her bright, beautiful eyes so filled with sunshine. But, then, she too appeared bound to me. A tear came. I could hardly breathe.

"Frank!" Mikey's voice snapped me out of my reverie. I looked up at him. "Look man, I know you're scared. I'm scared too, but if we're gonna figure this out we gotta work together." I nodded. "So the last thing you remember is driving home after talking to Jenny?" he asked. I nodded. "Yeah... then Gerard took the phone from her and I told him I'd see him soon, and I love him... next thing I knew, I was here." He sighed and nodded. "What's the last thing you remember?" I asked. "Going to bed... I woke up here," he said. "Okay..." I said, "We gotta try and think... something must have happened to bring both of us to this room..." He nodded. "God..." I whispered, "I just hope Gerard and Jennifer are okay... I don't think I can think straight until I know that." He sighed, "Frank... we might not be able to find that out. You gotta push yourself here, for both of them." He was right. Fucking hell, I thought, This can't be happening.

I looked, again, at the cell phone in my lap. As if on cue, it lit up. The room was filled with a high pitched ringing. I flipped open the phone and held it to my ear, unable to stop shaking. A small voice, "Daddy?" My eyes widened. "Jenny?!" I stuttered. She spoke again, my daughter, my sweetheart. "Daddy... Daddy where are you?" She sounded so scared, it was a struggle to hold my composure. I had to though, I had to for her, and Gerard. "Sweetie, listen to me. Who is there with you?" I asked. Her voice faded out. "Jenny!" I cried out. No no no. At least I knew she was alive though. Another voice spoke to me. "Frankie where are you?" Gerard. I allowed a bit of fear to slip out then, "I... I don't know baby. I wish I did. Are you and Jenny okay?" He took some deep breaths. "I... don't know Frankie... we need you. Come home." My heart was pounding, breathing seemed almost impossible. "I want to babe, I want to so bad. I don't know where I am... I'm tied up in this room somewhere. Mikey's here too..." I could hear him trying to comfort Jenny. He sounded near tears, "Come home, Frankie!" he called out. Then the line went dead.

I crumbled after that. Somewhat forgetting Mikey was in the room. I sobbed uncontrollably. "Frank!" Mikey, once again, pulled me out of my reverie. "Come on... I know you're worried but you have to pull yourself together. Do it for them, Frank." He was right, once again. I nodded. "I'm sorry," I whispered, "They sounded so scared, Mikey... both of them. I don't know what to do." He sighed, "They need you, Frank. Let's figure this out." I nodded again, "Okay so where the fuck do we start?" He took some deep breaths, "Okay... You were driving, and I was going to bed. Were you by any chance driving anywhere near my place?" I thought a moment. I was about four blocks away from Mikey's apartment when I was on the phone with Gerard. "Yeah, actually, about four blocks away, when I talked to Gerard on the phone." He nodded, "Okay... so whoever got us was obviously in the area." I nodded too, "I can't think of anyone that would want to do anything like this. To me at least... but why would someone against you come after me?" He shrugged, "I wish I knew, Frank, I wish I knew..."

**********

My mouth went dry as the masked man tore the phone out of my hand. I'd followed his orders, I didn't tell Frank he was here. I just told him to hurry home. This asshole didn't tell me he had Frank captive too. My God... Jenny wouldn't stop shaking. It tore me apart. Tears stained her sweet, angelic face. "Daddy!" she cried, "I want Daddy..." My Hell... if my daughter wasn't there, I would have ripped the fucker's face off. I couldn't let anything happen to her, and I couldn't let her see anything happen to me. I had to hold it all together for her. For Frank too... wherever he was. He sounded scared too. What the hell had any of us done to deserve this? Especially Jenny... sweet, sweet Jenny. She was so innocent, so pure. What the fuck was up with that?

He walked out of the room. I turned to her and pulled her tightly into my arms. "It's okay sweetheart, it's okay. This is a dream, you'll wake up soon." I kissed the top of her head as I finished speaking. She was still terrified. Hell, so was I. She couldn't know that though. I had to be strong for her. I needed Frank home so he could rescue Jennifer, so I could tear this mother fucker apart with my bare hands. She hadn't stopped crying, so I held her tighter, "It's okay baby, it's just a dream. Just a horrible dream. You're gonna wake up, angel, and you can run in, to me and Daddy, and we'll protect you." With that, her crying died down, but only a little. This asshole was going to pay. I felt a presence in the room, so I looked up and saw the man staring at us. I wrapped her into my arms protectively, "What?" I asked. He scoffed, "Do you want to know why I'm doing this?"

I rolled my eyes, "Why?" I asked. "I'm doing this, for her," he said, pointing at my little girl. She was still trembling. "What do you mean, for her?" I asked. He laughed then, "Two men wouldn't be married... let alone should they be allowed to raise a child. I'm trying to save her." I softly kissed the side of her hair and whispered for her to get behind me, and stay there. She did. "Save her from what?" I asked. "A life of ridicule," he replied. God, be with me, I silently begged. "Look... I don't know who you are, but I'm begging you, leave me and my family alone. Frank and I have raised her for eight years, and we've done a damn good job. Please, please just let us go." He shook his head, "No can do, Mr. Way. See your little husband, he's locked away. Far away from here, with your little brother. Whom, and I know this for a fact, I know you've had a more than 'brotherly' relationship with. I'm just fucking sick of this, and it's time it all comes to an end." I blinked in disbelief. How could he possibly have known that?

It was before Frank and I were together, of course. Mikey and I used to mess around. "H-How did you know that?" I asked. He scoffed again, "Resources," he said, plainly. But, what the fuck did that have anything to do with this? I thought. I could still feel Jenny trembling behind me. I touched her hand, trying to comfort her. I wish she didn't have to see any of this. She didn't deserve it. None of us deserved this, but her especially. She was only a little girl for God's sake.

**********

After talking a while, Mikey and I came to... no conclusion. We couldn't, for the life of us, figure out what the hell brought us here. I shivered at the cold, heartlessness of the room, "I don't even know... if it's still Friday... but if it is, my birthday's tomorrow... He always helps Jenny make me breakfast on my birthday..." He sighed, and I looked up to see compassion in his eyes. "I'm so sorry Frank... You know... All growing up, I've never seen Gerard even close to being as happy as he's been with you. Thank you for being so good to him." I swallowed a lump in my throat and nodded, "I couldn't be anything else to him. I love him, so much, Mikey. Him and Jenny... they're my whole world." I looked down at my bloody hands, the blood had dried. There had to be a way to get the damn rope untied. I tried everything I could think of, I couldn't remove the needles. It was tied so tight. I looked everywhere I could reach for something, anything to try and cut the damn thing, but there was nothing. I started to panic, yet again.

The phone started ringing again. My eyes grew wide and I put it to my ear. "Frankie..." Gerard's voice. "Baby!" I gasped, "Baby I'm trying... I want to get home to you two so bad. Do you have any idea what's going on?" He was silent. "Gerard?" I asked, desperate for a break in the silence. I could hear Jenny's sobs in the background, "There's... there's something Mikey isn't telling you, Frank. Something I've hidden from you too... I'm sorry." His breathing quickened. For about two seconds, I was upset that Gerard had hidden anything, but right then I decided we'd talk through it as soon as this was all over, the important thing was getting back to my family. "Get your fucking hands off her!" Gerard screamed. I started to panic even more, "I love you, Frankie. Come home, please." The line went dead.

I was hyperventilating, I couldn't help it. My family was in danger and I couldn't do a thing about it. Without a word, I put the phone down and pulled on the cord with all my might, wincing as the needles cut into my skin. God I fucking hated needles. "What's going on?!" Mikey asked, his face wild with curiosity and concern. I didn't look at him, "What are you hiding?" I asked, somewhat coldly, still trying to pull on my bonds. He didn't say a word, so I finally turned to look at him. "Tell me what you're hiding, Mikey," I said, "My husband and daughter are out there, in some kind of danger, with some fucker. Some asshole has my family, Mikey. I think whatever you're hiding has something to do with this. Tell me!" He looked down, "They're my family too, Frank. You think I'm not scared? You think I'm not worried about them?" My head fell against the tile wall behind me, "I don't know... But Gerard just told me there's something you're both hiding. Then he told that asshole to get his hands off Jennifer. Now tell me what the fuck it is, so we can get through this."

He took a deep, cleansing breath. The kind of deep breath you take before you say something you've sworn you'd never say. "Fuck..." he muttered, almost silently. "Frank I... I think I know what's happened to us..." My eyes widened, "Tell me, Mikey. Tell me now, I don't care what the fuck it is. Just tell me." He nodded and took another deep breath, "Well... it was years... years ago, Frank. Gerard and I... we... we fooled around a bit as teenagers. We kinda had this fucked-up thing going for a year or so. When he told me we had to stop... I was devastated. I... I was actually horribly jealous of you for so long, Frank. I was just... I felt horrible. I told my friend that I met online. Chris. I told him all about it. Spilled everything. He totally freaked on me. Told me I was a sick little boy and never to contact him again... He told me people like that should be put to death, people like me should suffer, anyone related to people like me should suffer... I... Frank I think he might have been the one that's done this. He's been sending me emails ever since, every couple of months. Asking if I've repented for my sins yet. I never responded... Frank I... I think this all might be my fault."

I blinked.. stunned. I didn't know what to say. I really didn't. "You..." I stuttered, "You didn't... report him? You didn't... do anything. How did he know where to find us, Mikey?" He looked like he was crying, "I... don't know. I don't know, Frank. I did report him. He kept finding me... I don't know how he kept doing it, but he kept finding me. No one would help me. I think he might have been watching me... Frank I think he's been... following me. I don't know. I have a strong feeling it's him. It would make sense. He's got my family all under his foot now, trapped. I'm so sorry Frank... you have no idea how much I wish he would have just taken me and not all of you." Again, without another word, I began tugging on the rope. Desperate to untie it. I examined the knot and did my best to delicately pull the other end through. A rather large needle caught under my fingernail, ripping part of it off. I groaned in pain. Fuck. I kept trying, "Was this Chris asshole a scout or something?" I asked. "Eagle. With high honors," Mikey said.

I was about to give up again, when an idea came. I pulled off my shoes with my bloody hands, and began trying to slide my feet out. Genius! I couldn't believe it hadn't come to me sooner. Once I had it slid down an inch or so, I felt hundreds of needles, all at once, slicing into my legs. They were all the way through the damn thing. I tried to just bare it, but they cut in deeper. I cringed in pain, and gave up. Again, I tried seeing if I could pull the needles out, even a bit, enough to pass the coiled rope over my feet without bleeding to death, but they were double ended, and my fingers slid off. The moisture from all the blood didn't help either. I didn't give a damn that maybe my husband fucked his little brother a time or two before we met. That didn't matter. I loved him and I needed to get to him, but I couldn't and I was losing my mind. The knot wasn't even loosened, at all. I could feel my sanity slipping away, at a pretty fast rate.

**********

If he's the Frankie I know and love, he wont care. He'll still do anything it takes to get back here to me and Jenny. I kept telling myself that. I kept trying to comfort my dear, sweet daughter. I just wanted this all to be over. I kept making random mental notes to have a security system installed as soon as this asshole was gone. Anything. Anything at all to protect my family. My daughter, my husband. He must be so scared, I thought. He was out there somewhere, tied up, trapped. Mikey too, my little brother, I hoped they were working together, and not arguing. They've always gotten along somewhat well, I hoped beyond all hope that today was a day for getting along. I trusted both of them to be mature enough to approach this like adults, but you can't help but worry for the worst when you're scared.

And I was scared. I was scared for Jennifer, I was scared for Frank. I was scared for Me. I was even scared for Mikey. This asshole was one of his friends, but that didn't make it his fault. I knew that much. I also knew Mikey would probably be trying to blame himself. That's just how Mikey was. I knew it wasn't his fault. I also knew I hated this guy, and I wanted him to get the fuck out of my house so I could take Jenny and go on a quest to find my loving husband, my other half. My brother too. None of us deserved this shit. I wanted to hear Frankie's voice again, I wanted Jenny to hear it, but I was scared to ask if we could call. I was scared to do anything. I didn't know what this guy had planned. I was hoping that he just wanted to scare us and disappear. Please, I kept thinking, Just disappear. We're good and scared.

Jenny started wriggling more than she'd been before. "What do you need, Angel?" I asked, using everything I had to sound unafraid for her. "I needa go potty.." she said. I could tell she was scared to ask. I looked at my bedroom door, where the man had exited into the rest of the house, and saw our master bathroom. I knew there was a window in there, and I knew she could easily climb out and run for help. I also knew that if he found out there's no telling what he'd do to her. "Angel," I whispered, "Listen to me, go use our bathroom, okay? Come right back out here when you're done, okay? Just go, and come back, okay sweetheart?" She sniffled and nodded. I kissed her cheek and watched her run in. She closed the door, and he heard the click. He charged in. "Where did she go?" he demanded. "She's just in the bathroom," I replied, trying to remain calm. He stalked over and shoved the door open, and my heart crumbled when I heard her scream. "For God's sake!" I said, "She's a little girl, let her have her damn privacy!" He shook his head, "No can do. I see that window. I have to make sure she doesn't try to run off. How do I know you didn't tell her to try?"

I decided to call to her, "Just finish up sweetie, and come back here." Then I looked up and saw him watching her, "Get your fucking eyes over here," I said. He laughed, "What, you don't like 'em young? Oh... wait, I'm sorry. You don't like girls. My mistake." His eyes were still on her. I stood up, "I said get your fucking eyes off her!" Finally he turned and looked at me, "Thank you," I said. Jennifer ran out of the bathroom and clung to my side. I held her protectively. I sat back down with her, holding her close, "I promise, angel, it's just a bad dream, okay?" She nodded, sniffling a bit. I hated seeing her so scared. "Oh, this ain't no nightmare, kiddo," he said. "Your two "daddy"s just don't know what they're doing is all." I leaned down and motioned to her to cover her ears, not an obvious one, just a signal that only we know, like if there's gonna be some bad words on tv, and she knows to cover her ears. She did.

She wouldn't stop shaking. I ran my fingers through her hair, desperately trying to comfort her. I gotta thank God here, for having these family signals. Easy silent ways of saying this that no one else can get. The thought 'd had moments ago before she went to the bathroom, gave me an idea. So I act on it when he tells us not to move or we'll be regretting it. He goes into that same bathroom and shuts the door. "I can hear if you whisper!" he called out. I signal to her, like we'd practiced, to run out the back door down the hall, the quieter one, and run next door, and bang on their windows if she had to, and tell them to call the police. The "help there's trouble in my house" signal. She nodded, and silently padded out of my bedroom. I said a silent prayer for God to protect her. He came out a moment later. "Where is she now?!" he demanded, without even a second's pause. "She went to her room to get a toy," I said, "Her dolls comfort her when she's scared. I told her she could." "Where's her room?" he demanded. "Out by the dining room." I said.

My plan was foolproof. He stalked out and went down the hallway opposite the direction I'd told her to go. I took my chance, and ran for it. I got outside, and I could hear his footsteps running after me. I caught up to her on the neighbor's front walk. I picked her up and dashed up their stairs, banging on the door. There's times that waking up the neighbors is hardly something to feel bad about. She screamed that he was coming up the walk. I pounded harder and called "Help!" Finally the light came on, and he dove out of sight. I saw my neighbor's wife, dressed in a nightgown, looking irritated. "Please, please help us. We need police. Now." Her eyes went wide, but she dashed into the house, leaving the door open for me. I went inside, shut and locked the door. Then I sat Jenny down on their sofa. She was muttering something into the phone, but when I offered to take it from her, she gratefully accepted.

The operator sounded confused, so I clarified, gave him my name and address and said that there was a man in my home, who had been keeping me and my daughter captive, and we'd just run to the neighbors for help. He said a squad car was on its way, and asked for a description. "I don't know... he was wearing a mask the whole time. Um... I'd say about six foot, medium build. He's dressed in black... Blue eyes. I know he's got my husband and brother tied up somewhere else. I don't know where." He asked me how I know. I glanced over to see the wonderful woman busy trying to calm Jennifer with a story book of some kind. "He called a number from my house, I don't know what it was. It connected me to Frank, my husband, and he said he was tied up in a room somewhere, and that my brother was with him," I said. "Okay," he said, "Remain calm, we're doing everything we can. A squad car should be there shortly. Don't hesitate to call back if you see him again." I agreed and hung up the phone.

I walked over and sat next to Jennifer, pulling her into my arms. I looked at my neighbors. "I'm so, so sorry to wake you like this... We were desperate." The wife nodded, "Don't worry about it. That's awful. I hope they get him." I nodded, "Me too. Is it all right if we stay here a while longer? I don't want to chance him still being in my house. I don't want to go back without police." She told me not to worry about it, and we were welcome to stay as long as needed. I thanked her and held Jenny tight. "Daddy's tied up, with Uncle Mikey?" she asked. She didn't know, and I had only just realized it. I kissed her forehead, "Only in this dream, baby. This is just a bad dream. You'll wake up soon. I promise." She put her head on my shoulder and yawned. "Daddy I'm tired..." I rocked her gently, "Go to sleep Angel. It'll be over soon."

**********

The phone rang again. I jumped, then quickly pressed it to my ear. "Frankie!" it was Gerard's exasperated voice. I snapped right back into full awareness from the blank state I'd been in. "Gerard! Baby! What's going on?" He sighed in relief, "Oh wow it's so good to hear your voice. This guy was in the house, and he was holding Jenny and I hostage. I was so scared babe. I was so worried about you. We ran for it when he went to use the bathroom, went next door and called the cops. We want to come get you, but we have to know where you are. We can't get a trace on it." My heart fell, "I have no idea love, none. I wish I did... Mikey, do you have anymore of an idea of where we are than I do?" I looked over at him, he shook his head sadly. "Fuck... Mikey doesn't know either babe. I don't know what to do. Is Jennifer okay? Can I talk to her?" He sighed, "She's right here, but she's sleeping. I don't want to wake her but..." I stopped him, "No no, don't. She needs her rest, especially after such an experience."

Everything fell silent. I heard a distant noise. Gerard started saying something, "Shh.. I hear something hold on." I listened hard. Chimes. Long, deep clock chimes. "I'm near city hall," I said, "I can hear the big clock." I heard him telling someone else what I said. "Okay we'll come find you, Frankie." Before he could hang up, I stopped him, "Gerard... wait. Did they get the bastard?" A moment of silence, "Yes... yes they've got him. I'm watching them put him in a squad car right now. Oh thank God." He sounded even more relieved than I felt. "Okay we're coming to get you Frank. Don't go anywhere." I laughed at his bad joke, "Yeah like I could. I love you, I love Jennifer. Okay?" He returned my words, and I hung up the phone.

Mikey looked at me expectantly. "They're coming. He's bringing the cops. We're gonna be okay." Mikey's head fell back in relief. "They're okay then?" he asked. I nodded, "Yeah. Thankfully." I leaned my head against the wall behind me, eagerly awaiting the arrival of my sweet, sweet husband. "Frank..." Mikey said. I opened my eyes and looked at him, "What I said earlier, about how glad I am that you're so good to my brother." I nodded, motioning for him to continue. "I really meant it." he said. I smiled at him, "I know... don't you worry Mikey, I'll never treat him with anything less than the royal treatment he deserves." He gave me a genuine smile, "Again Frank... I'm so sorry about all this." I shook my head, "Don't be, Mikey. It isn't your fault." He smiled at me again, and said, "Thank you."

It felt like hours passed, but it was really only about fifteen minutes. The knob on the door jerked, then I heard a voice, "If there is anyone on the other side of this door, either open it or stand back in five, four, three, two, one." Just then something started hitting the door, hard, repeatedly. On the third or fourth hit, it flew open, and I saw two officers step in, armed and ready. Gerard was right behind him, he didn't waste a second and immediately ran to me, pulling me into his arms. I fell against him, I had been craving the embrace for hours. I couldn't help it if I'd tried, and tears of relief started to fall down my cheeks. It was finally over. "Where's Jennifer?" I asked. He kissed my cheek softly, "She's still sleeping, she's out in the squad car with some other officers." He pulled away slightly and looked down at my bound ankles, and then at my bloody hands. "My God, Frank.. what's happened to you?" I shrug, "Trying to get away... I just wanted to get the hell out of here and home to you."

I glanced up as he lifted one of my hands and began kissing it everywhere, gently. The police officers were just finishing freeing Mikey. They stepped over and started working on my rope. I looked up at my husband, Gerard. "How did you find us?" I asked. He kissed my other cheek, wiping the last of my tears away with his fingers. "We went past city hall, and I saw your car. So I had them stop and once we got inside the building, we spotted a door with light under it." I winced as they started pulling the ropes away from my legs, the needles had been lodged in from my attempt to slide it off. Gerard looked down and gasped, "Oh my God... You've lost a lot of blood Frankie. I want you to get checked out." I shook my head, "I just want to get home." He kissed me again, "For me, my love?" he pleaded. I winced once more as they pulled the last of it away. "We're going to have to agree with your husband, Sir. You should get looked at by a medical professional right away. They can make a report on all the injuries sustained, including your hands."

I tried to argue, "They're only needle pricks... nothing to report really." One of the officers shook his head, "Sir, these needles were about two inches deep in your leg. I highly recommend you get yourself looked at." Gerard kissed me again, "Please, Frankie." I nodded, "Okay, okay I'll go. Stay with me?" He smiled, "Always babe."

**********

I gently cradled Jennifer against me as she slept. She woke up a bit on the trip into the hospital, but I kissed her cheek and told her the dream would be over in just a moment, and she fell back asleep on my shoulder. I sat in the room on a chair while Frank nervously waited on the examination table. The worst almost always crosses the mind when someone you love is in danger, and I couldn't get the thought of those needles being HIV positive out of my mind. The doctor had read my mind, and agreed to do a test for that along with everything else to make sure my Frankie was okay. "Where did Mikey go?" he asked. "He said he felt like he'd caused enough trouble for one night, and insisted on going home. I tried to tell him to stay at our place tonight but he said no." He nodded, "You think he'll be okay there, alone?" he asked. I nodded this time, "Yeah... and plus I know it's best to not argue with Mikey." I bit my lip, nervous. "Frank..?" I said, almost a whisper. He looked at me, "About um... about what caused all this... what will it take to get you to forgive me?" I asked, looking away. "Nothing," he said, so I turned back to him, his eyes were bright and he smiled at me warmly.

"Really?" I asked, in disbelief. He nodded again, "It was in the past, it was before we met. Therefore it doesn't count. I love you just as much as I did the day I married you, Gerard. If not more, and nothing can change that. Especially not something from the past." I wanted to go over and kiss him, but I didn't want Jenny to wake up again. She'd been through enough for one night. Right then, the doctor returned. "Well," he started, "The HIV results came back normal, so that's good. The wounds in your hands and legs aren't going to cause any lasting harm, except maybe some scarring. So I'm going to bandage you up and send you on home." I thanked him, and so did Frank, then we waited for the doctor to bandage him up. Then we headed for home. Amazingly enough, nothing was taken from Frank's car. Not even his wallet or cell phone. I drove though. Frankie was in no condition to drive.

"Gerard?" he said, as we pulled into the driveway. I turned to face him, "We're installing a security system. First thing tomorrow." I laughed softly, "You know, I was thinking that too." He leaned over to kiss me, "But," I said, "Not until after you have your special Birthday Breakfast by our little star chef back there." He laughed then too, and we both turned to see Jennifer still asleep. Inside, I took Jenny to her room and tucked her into bed as Frank locked every last door and window we had. I locked her window, and checked every hideaway spot in her room, just as a precaution, then sat on her bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead. Frank came into the room and kissed her good night as well. Then the two of us walked hand in hand to our bedroom, where I helped him change into some clean clothes for bed, then changed as well. We got into bed and he moved closer to me. "You think she'll be safe in there?" he asked. I smiled a little, "She wont be in there long..." He moved so he was right up against me, and lied his head on my chest. "I love you," he whispered. I sighed, "I love you too, Frankie."

Caught off guard, we both jumped a little when we heard our bedroom door creak. We looked up, and I let a sigh of relief when I saw Jennifer step in. "Daddy?" she said, cautiously. I turned to Frank, signaling him to respond, "You okay sweetie?" he asked. She walked over to the bed, "Daddy I had a really bad dream, can I sleep in here?" We both scooted aside, making room between us. "You bet," he said, helping her up onto our bed. "Tell me about it," he said. She snuggled close to him, "There was a scary man in the house, and you were gone. I cried and cried, but you didn't come home." He kissed her forehead softly, "It was only a dream, sweetheart, I'm right here." She clutched her doll close to her and fell back asleep against him. I smiled at the image of my two most loved ones, safe, in my bed. I leaned over and gave them both a soft kiss good night, then let sleep take me, as well.

Dark, Lifeless Void; 12. The End

Sat, 29 Jul 2006 09:30:55 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 12
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day, Part 7 Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

So now I lay here, in bed, wishing I could just turn into that black void I'd seen in my blank dreams. What the hell is keeping me here? Whatever it is, I want it gone. I don't want to be here. I feel like there's still some kind of tether connecting me to Mikey, holding me to him. Through all he's done, I'm still connected to him, and it feels like more than just the fact that we're related. My dreams have changed slightly too, now it's usually me running toward Mikey, but he keeps moving further and further away. I can't help but think that it's no different from that when I'm awake, constantly chasing after something I'll never reach.

The nights are the hardest, when I can't shut my mind off. If I had only done this, if only that would have happened differently, maybe I wouldn't be in Hell right now. I constantly wish I could go back and undo what I'd done to shred Mikey apart. I still love him, so damn much, it hurts. But I've realized now, that neither of us are good for the other, that we were meant to be, but I had to come into this life fucked-up beyond measure, and he came unprepared to handle it. I feel that we both have a lot to learn and take care of, maybe if we do, we will be together again one day. I also know now that the main reason I separate myself from Mikey like this is because I don't want to blame my problems on him, and I know I would, if given the chance. Amazing... he shatters my heart, fucks with my head, and yet... I still love him too much to blame him. He really didn't cause it, I've been like this for as long as I can remember. I just need to get better.

Once in a while I'll have random flashbacks of years before. Like, for example, I was ten, and Mikey was... six, I think, almost seven. We were playing a game of some kind, and as I still am, I was excited to have a little brother, and let him win. He stood up and did a little victory dance, making me laugh. I've always loved pleasing him, making him so filled with joy. Then he stopped and looked at me and said "Gee, you're the bestest big brother ever." I shook my head and said "That's only because you're the bestest little brother ever." He giggled and sighed, then sat back down. "Gee?" he asked. I looked up from gathering up the game pieces to put it away. He continued, "I hope you never stop being my brother." I shook my head and smiled at him, "Never Mikey, I can't." That memory had brought tears to my eyes, so many... so many times I've promised him I'd never leave him, never abandon him, but here I am, avoiding even talking to him. I'm so sick, why the hell can't I figure out how to get better?

There's a knock at my door, which makes me jump. I thought I was here alone. "Who is it?" I call through. No answer. I get up, hesitantly, and walk over, opening the door a bit and peering out. Before me, I see the eyes that I haven't stopped seeing for almost a year now. Mikey. My first reaction is to shut the door, and close my eyes to make the image go away. He pushes it open before I can, "Gee, please. I really need to talk to you." I start hyperventilating. What the fuck is wrong with me? Why can't I just sit and have an adult conversation with him? I feel his hand on my arm, gently rubbing it. When I look up, and see the concern in his eyes, my heart skips a beat and for about half a second I wonder if he's come here to tell me that he and Angela broke up. I can feel the hope gleam in my eyes. He motions for me to sit down, and I do. Never unable to deny him. He sits beside me. "Gerard this is ridiculous, why can't we just talk?" I shrug, not wanting to fight with him. The one soul I've been dying for is sitting less than a foot away from me and I can only look down and shrug.

He sighs, "Gee... look... I know what I did to you was wrong. I know that I'll regret it for the rest of my life, and I'm so sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am, and I feel like I'll be paying for it the rest of my life." I can't say anything. He goes on, "I miss you, Gerard. I really miss you, so much... not a day goes by that I don't think of you." I sigh, and speak, finally, "I miss you too, Mikey. It eats me up more and more every day." He reaches over and touches my hand, and I can feel the electricity in that simple gesture. I look up, into his eyes, searching to find out if he'd felt it too. I don't need to really find out though, I already know he had. "Then let's talk, please. I've been beating myself up every day for hurting you. I need you in my life, Gee, I really do." His words make me look away again. I want nothing more than to be able to be there for him like he wants.

Suddenly, I lose control of my mouth, like many times before. "Mikey why did you lie to me?" I ask. He looks up, "What?" So I ask again. He shrugs, "I just wanted to hear from you, I wanted to hear anything from you. I missed you so much... it was a stupid thing to do. I know." I lift his hand and try to entwine our fingers together, but he pulls his hand away. "Please... I'm begging you, let's just keep talking. By all means, I know I have no right to ask that of you. I've done something unforgivable to you, and I'll never be able to voice how sorry I am. I'll do anything to make it up to you... but I need you, so bad. Life without you kills me." I blink back a few tears. No, please Mikey no. Don't do this. Don't do this. He looks like he's about to cry. "And for the record... Angela's a virgin. She wants to save it for marriage." That word alone makes me cringe, "So when are you proposing?" I ask. He looks at me, confused. "I never said I'm marrying her, Gerard, I just can't leave her right now. She needs me." But I need you! I want to scream it, but I don't. I don't even say it.

We spend a few minutes catching up, as it's been several months since we've even spoken to one another. All the while talking to him, I wanted to both dive out the window, get the hell away and beg and beg him to take me back until my insides were raw, at the same time. I explain to him about the hole I've fallen though, and that I've reached hell. He starts crying, and I want to hold him. Whisper into his ear that I still love him more than anything, Don't cry baby, it's not your fault. I put my hand on his shoulder, "Don't cry," I beg, "Please don't cry Mikey, it's not your fault." He looks up at me, "Not my fault, my ass. If not for me you wouldn't be like this. I've destroyed you!" Him saying that hurts. It's not his fault! I shake my head, "No... no, it's not because of you. Don't you remember Mikey? I've been this way for years." He's still crying, "Yes... I know but... You've never been in it this deep." God, let me hold him. I rub his shoulder. "You're right... I've never been in it this deep Mikey, but it's still not your fault." He shakes his head again, "It is my fault! Don't you try and tell me that it's not, because if not me, who else is to blame?" I sigh, "Okay... Mikey I'll admit that you helped, but you did not cause it!"

He sighs too, "What do you mean?" I take a deep breath, "Because I took more than you could give... you were trying to pull me out, you were trying so hard, and you didn't realize that I was going to pull you down here with me if you didn't let go." He shakes his head, "I should have fallen with you, I promised you I'd follow you anywhere, and I just let go." I feel like crying now, too. "Mikey you helped all you could, and I drained you for all you had. I was already messed up, if anyone destroyed anyone here, I'm the one that destroyed you." He starts to cry a little harder, then takes some deep breaths. "There's something I need to tell you, Gee... it's been killing me all this time and I need to get it off my chest." I breathe in, trying to prepare myself for whatever blow it is he's about to lay on me. "Angela and I weren't actually together when I told you we were. We discussed it, and I said I needed to think about it, so I told you... to see how you'd react. Then you broke it off..." I blink once, twice, three times... "She wasn't actually your girlfriend on Valentine's Day?" He shakes his head, looking down.

I want to scream at him, I want to smack him upside the head, but I don't. I don't say anything. He looks up, "I'm so sorry Gee... I'm so, so sorry. You have no idea..." Now I'm fighting back my own tears, "Why didn't you bring it up when I was saying we should end it?" He shrugs. "I think, Mikey, that it's because... deep down inside, you knew that I was destroying you, and you needed a reason to get out. Maybe you didn't consciously know that... but deep down..." He shakes his head. "Don't say that Gee, please don't say that. I loved you, I still do, actually. I miss what we had... I miss it so damn much... I... I can't listen to our song anymore. I just can't... and I can't even jack off without seeing your face... it's killing me Gee." God I want to hold him so bad, why can't I? It's silent a moment, "You haven't been drinking again, have you?" he asks. I don't answer, so he asks again, this time adds cutting in. I bite my lip and look into his eyes, nodding. "Both..." I say quietly. He closes his eyes, "Please don't... I hate to see you hurting yourself." I sigh, "I can't promise anything Mikey... it's the only escape I have from myself." Suddenly the subject needs to be changed, back to where it was before.

My hand moves back to my own body, and I try to hug myself to keep from shaking. "Well... if we're both going through this much torture without each other... why can't we give it another shot?" I ask. He looks away, "Because she needs me Gee... she's a lot like you." I feel a single tear roll down at the pain of hearing him reject me yet again. "Look," he says, "I'll never be done telling you how sorry I am for ruining you like this, and I want to do anything I can to fix it." I shake my head, "Mikey you didn't ruin me! I keep telling you that... you.... you were the answer Mikey... the answer, not the cause. But I fucked it all up... and lost you." I really have... he may be sitting right here, but he's so far away. "You didn't lose me Gee," he whispers, "I'm still here... just talk to me. I miss you... please, please just talk to me." I sigh and reach up to tuck his hair behind his ear. "Mikey... I think the best way you can help me right now, is by giving me the space I need." He shakes his head, says nothing. "I think that neither of us are good for each other right now, I think we both have some things to learn."

He shakes his head more, his eyes tearing up again. "No, no Gee, Please I want to help you." I look down, "Then help me by staying away. Save yourself, Mikey. I refuse to bring you down to where I am. There's no way I'm letting you feel the things I feel." He cries again, "You don't get it Gee... I hurt when you hurt. I feel your pain with you, so as long as you're hurting, I'll be hurting." Oh, please don't tell me that Mikey. "Mikey I've realized... we really need some time apart. We've got to get things figured out. Then... who knows, maybe we'll find each other again." He's really crying now, and I get up and take his hand, walking him to the door. Once there, he looks up at me through his tears, "Please no... Please don't do this Gerard. Please... I'm doing it now, See? I'm telling you not to, just like you'd wanted. Please don't say goodbye again." I have to look away when he says that, but open the door. "Mikey. I love you, I really love you. You're always going to be in my heart, and you'll always be my brother. We just need some time apart. I love you, more than anything in existence, and this will be good for both of us."

He's clinging to me, begging. "Mikey," I say, "Please. Just go. If things go right, and if it's meant to be... we'll find each other again, but for now, we both need some time. I'll always love you." He's still clinging to me, crying and shaking his head. "I'll leave her, Gee! I'll do it, I'll let you come with me! I'll let you tell her with me! We can both tell her that we're in love and we're going to be together. Please!" It hurts so bad, but I know it's the right thing. It's the hardest thing in the world to deny my one love like this. "Mikey... it'll just end up bad. Just go, be happy. You'll be so much happier without me if you can let me go, and you're closer to a state to let me go, than I am to let you go. Please, Mikey. We'll find each other again." I kiss his cheek as he lets me go, defeated. "I love you Mikey, I love you, and I always will, I know I keep saying that, but it's true. I love you. Let's just go our separate ways for now, learn what we need to learn. We'll find each other again.... and if not... I... I'll meet you on the porch swing in Ireland."

He cries even harder, but kisses my cheek, and walks away. I have to shut the door before I can let the tears really get out, in the process collapsing on the floor. I can't believe I just did that... but if I hadn't, if we'd gotten back together, it would have wound up the same way it did before, and I definitely can't handle going through that again. I hope I'm right though... I hope I'll find him again one day. I have a strong belief in my heart that even if not... I will find him on that porch swing in Ireland.

~Fin~

Dark, Lifeless Void; 11

Thu, 27 Jul 2006 08:59:51 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 11
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day, Part 7 Part 8, Part 9, Part 10

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

I got back to Ray's that day, both relieved and torn apart by my realization. If people could so easily fall desperately in love, why couldn't they fall out of it? I wanted that, I wanted to not be in love with Mikey. I wanted Mikey to hate me, why couldn't he hate me? Then a random thought, if Mikey and Angela are fucking, does he ever think of me while they do it? God, I thought, what the fucking hell is wrong with me? Mikey tried to call a few times, left messages asking when, if ever, I was going to acknowledge his existence at all. Even hearing his voice was painful, especially when he'd end each message with, "I miss you bro, give me a call." All I could think was, I miss you too baby... I miss how things were, I miss being happy with you, I sure hope you are though. I love you... still, but I'm sorry, I can't call. I couldn't, I couldn't talk to him... even when I tried, he'd bring up Angela, and it was like that knife all over again, reopening the slowly healing wound. Somehow, I managed to keep climbing, with help from Ray. But now, I know that he was only getting closer, because I was pulling him down to my level, not because I was getting up to his.

Then one day, Frank showed up again, this time with 'good news'. "Angela's pregnant," he said, and I felt like I'd just swallowed a fifty-pound weight. He stared at me, blinked a few times, "Well? Aren't you gonna say something?" My breath caught, and I sputtered out some words, maybe not the best words I could have said right then, but words, "What the hell do you expect me to say? Good to know he's fucking the bitch he ditched me for?" He looked down, "Gerard, you don't have to be an asshole about this, Mikey asked me to come tell you, because he can't get you to talk to him, he can't even get you to pick up the phone. What's the deal with that?" Again, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I closed my eyes and could vaguely feel how it felt to have him inside me, and I could only think about how unworthy Angela was to feel that. I was so horribly sick. Frank was still talking. I interrupted him, only one thing on my mind to say. "Fuck off, Frank, just get the hell away from me." He stared at me for a moment, then took a step away, and turned back again. "She's due in September. It's a boy. Call him, Gerard, he really misses you." Not too much, apparently, I thought. Then, with some smart-ass comment about me being childish, Frank was gone.

I crumbled, then came the wonderful realization of... if she's due in September... she's got to be about four months pregnant... meaning she was already pregnant by Valentine's Day... oh God. I took about six of my sleeping pills that night, plus a xanax. I just wanted to sleep it all away. I lied in bed, feeling the effects of the pills. Blank dreams. I laughed a bit, staring into the pitch black abyss before my eyes. I wanted to be part of it. Mikey had been fucking cheating on me, and I had refused to let myself believe it at the time. Why had I been so blind? I was shaking, suddenly freezing cold, and dizzy, so... so dizzy. I felt like I had to cling to the edge of the bed so I wouldn't fall any further. Why couldn't I fall asleep? Then it hit me. I had broken through the bottom that night, and I was in Hell. Other thoughts came to me, thoughts like... now that they're having a baby together... I'll never have him back. He's got a little family started. I felt so sick. I just wanted to sleep but it wouldn't happen.

Somewhere in the night, it did, and I woke up sore. It hurt so bad to move, that I decided not to try anymore, so I just lied there. What harm could it do if I never got up again? I didn't see any. Then I thought about Mikey's future... he wasn't ready to be a father, he'd told me he wanted kids one day, and I had told him he needed to better prepare for it. Well fuck that, I guess. There's his happy family. If that bitch takes it away from him... Ray came into the room, interrupting my thoughts. "Gerard, it's almost two in the afternoon, why are you still in bed?" he asked. I shrugged, I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore, I just wanted to suffer by myself, like I used to. All that bull shit he told me... all of it... why had he done that to me? Why Mikey? I asked to myself, Why must you build me up just to watch me fall? Entertainment? I wanted more pills. I blindly reached for the vial, forgetting Ray was in there. He snatched it from me, "No man, get up, come on." I just turned over, I couldn't say anything, but I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to do anything, I didn't even want to exist.

Ray shook his head, "Come on, wake up. You can't let him get you down like this, it means he's won." I didn't turn around, I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to see anything. I wanted it all to disappear. I wanted to disappear. "He has won, Ray," I said, examining the blankness of the wall. No shapes there, no pattern. Nothing. Why couldn't I be that? Why did everyone insist that I had this great life ahead of me? They were all so wrong. Why couldn't I just shrink away into the nothing I felt I had become? Ray sat on my bed, and let a frustrated sigh. "Gerard... I know you're struggling, and I wish you weren't, but you've got to put this behind you, or it's just going to take over your life." It had taken over my life, though. I didn't say a word, just stared at the wall, then ran my fingers over it, and closed my eyes. "Ray have you ever had all your insides ripped out?" I said, breaking the silence. He didn't respond, and for a moment I thought he'd left the room, so I turned over. He remained on the bed, staring at me. "Gerard..." he said, "You really are sick, aren't you?" I turned back. I didn't want to hear it. I hated hearing what I already knew.

He tried to say something else, but I closed my eyes. Out of sight, out of mind. But, I could still hear him, so I put my hands over my ears, and blindly started reciting an old nursery rhyme. "Mama's little baby loves shortenin' shortenin', Mama's little baby loves shortenin' bread." I still don't know why I chose that one, I just did, and when I turned back, Ray was standing in the doorway, shaking his head at me, then he turned and walked out. Fuck, I thought, what the hell am I doing? Why am I so sick? Why do I push everyone away? Why did I have to push Mikey away? Why can't I disappear? I thought a bit about how normal people don't let stupid things like this bother them so much, and I wished I was like that. I hated feeling what I felt right then.

I decided to try and figure out what could really be causing my pain, and figured out that it was all inside my heart. I wanted to just cut it out and be done, cut out my heart, and not feel this pain. Some nights it got so bad that everything burned, literally. I felt like I was being roasted from the inside. Every so often, Mikey's words would come back to me. 'Don't ever leave me, Gee' and 'I refuse to let you damage your heart'... Yes, he refused to let me do it, so he could do it himself. Then, I'd want to hurt myself all over again for trying to blame someone as perfect as him for my problems. He didn't cause them. I knew he didn't. He was the solution, my salvation... and I drove him away. I couldn't give him the children he wanted... maybe that's it. Way to go, Angela...

Frank came back. I didn't even think twice, and shut the door immediately once I saw him. He knocked again, and spoke through the door, "Gerard, please. I have some things I need to say." I opened it again, just to say one thing to him. "I told you to leave me the fuck alone, Frank, now why can't you do that?" He hung his head, "Gerard, he's in really bad shape, why haven't you called him?" I shook my head, laughed a bit. "Well, come to think of it, I think I should actually thank you, Frank." He looked confused, "Thank me for what?" he asked. I laughed softly, "For basically letting me know that Mikey had been cheating on me. Now I really know how he felt, Thank you." His eyes went wide. "I let you know what?" I repeated myself, giving him the friendliest of smiles. He shook his head once, and blinked. "Mikey wasn't cheating on you, Gerard. He loved you." Those words... 'he loved you', they burned, tiny pin pricks of white-hot heat in my stomach, on the scar the knife had left. Loved, past-tense. Well... I did want him to hate me, didn't I? I blinked, "What do you mean he wasn't?" I asked, "If she's due in September, that means she was pregnant before we even broke up, what is that supposed to tell me?!" Frank looked defeated.

"You weren't supposed to think of that..." he said, looking down. Why could he never look me in the eye? "Oh wasn't I?" I asked, "My apologies, I'm not as fucking stupid as you and Mikey had thought." He glared at me then, "We didn't think you're stupid, Gerard. We just didn't think you'd figure that much out." I scoffed, "Oh well, forgive me for doing a little bit of thinking with my sick, fucked up mind. My apologies!" I extended my hand and bowed my head as if he were royalty. He swatted my hand away, "Gerard, you need to stop this, it's childish. You're not a child! You need to stop doing everything you can think of just to make Mikey look bad!" I blinked, in disbelief. "Make Mikey look bad? What? What the hell? Why would I want to make him look bad?! I still love him, Frank, I'd still do anything for him!" He shot me down, "Anything but talk to him? Talk to him. That's all the wants, and you can't do that, yet you'll do 'anything' for him? You're sick, Gerard." I was the one to look down then, "I fucking know that, Frank, thank you. I've been telling you that for, how long now?"

He stepped closer, "Okay, Gerard, you want to know the truth?" He didn't let me reply. "Angela's not pregnant, okay? Mikey asked me to tell you she was, because he's that desperate to just talk to you! Now quit with the self-loathing and get your head out of your ass and remember that you have a brother!" I blinked, once, twice, three times. Made it up? "You're fucking kidding me..." I stammered. He shook his head, "I wish I was, but the thing here is, that Mikey had to make up this big elaborate lie, just to talk to you, and even that didn't work! Let go of yourself, Gerard!" I stepped away and gripped the door, "If I let go of myself Frank, I'll just evaporate, because I'm the only one left that's still holding on to me. Don't you fucking tell me to let go of myself. As for Mikey? You tell him to just stay away from me, and quit trying to call, because I can't fucking take it. You come here and tell me one thing that completely devours any trust I might have had left in him, and then you come back and tell me that all that was a fucking lie. How the hell am I supposed to feel now? Tell me!" He was silent. "That's what I thought. Now just please, please Frank, go, get away, get the fuck away, and tell Mikey not to call, but tell him I love him. Please?" He simply nodded, and walked away.

A lie, it was all one big fucking lie. I couldn't believe it... and Frank had the nerve of telling me I'm childish. Fucking prick. Yet... I still loved Mikey. I promised him I always would, and after all that I still found my heart aching to him. Was he okay? Was he hurt? Was he sick? I voiced my concerns forever in silence. I didn't get it, sometimes I couldn't stop my mouth, and others, I couldn't even open it, and others... I craved Mikey's to be on it. The dreams stayed too, the dreams of waking up and realizing it was a nightmare, and Angela's in bed with us. Why couldn't I just let go, like a normal person? Why did I have to continue suffering? Did I really deserve it? I must, because why would God destroy someone like this, unless they deserved it?

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 08:05:16 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 10
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day, Part 7 Part 8, Part 9

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

My life, once again, made a turnaround. With Ray's help, I began to see that maybe I could make it after all. Maybe I could find footing and get out of this hole by myself. Maybe. It was hard, of course, even somewhat painful, but I started enjoying little things again. I still had the panic attacks though, when something would remind me of Mikey. I know, I should have just remembered the happy things, the good times I had with him, but I couldn't. When I thought of him, I could only think about how bad it hurt that I couldn't call him mine anymore. Once again, yes, I do know how fucked up that is.

Out of the blue one day, a mutual friend of Mikey's and mine, Frank, showed up at Ray's door. Said he wanted to talk to me alone. I was a bit worried, but went outside with him. He started talking about how Mikey had broken down and told him everything about us. That I needed to quit acting the way I was, that I needed to just learn to be happy for my brother, he'd found someone to be happy with. "Forgive me," I said, "I'm sick, okay? I know I'm sick, and it's just not that simple, okay?" He shook his head at me, a 'wow this is pitiful' look on his face. "Yes it is, Gerard. It is," he said, his hand on my shoulder. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How the fuck could he stand there and tell me it was that simple? I swatted his hand off my shoulder.

"You know what Frank?" I said, "You wouldn't know. I gave it my all to make him happy, okay? My all. Can you even try to imagine what it's like to have someone you love more than life itself, someone for whom you'd do anything, turn around, out of nowhere, and tell you that they'd prefer someone else? Then on top of that, I'm sick... Did he send you? I told him I just needed some time, he knows that." He shook his head again, "No, he didn't send me. He actually begged me not to bother you, but he's just been so torn up about losing his only brother..." I interrupted him. "Losing his only brother?" I said, "He knows, Frank, that I would have stayed with him to the end of time. He fucking knows that, he's the one that let go of me... You know what? I'm not having his conversation, okay? Why didn't you just listen to him and not come here?" He looked at the ground, I could tell he was examining the blades of grass, the dry patches. He sighed, "You're right, I shouldn't have, I just hate to see him so upset all the time, he misses you Gerard, he really does. How do you even know that he wanted you at all? Maybe he didn't." I took a step back, "I'm done with this Frank, okay? I'm just done, you just don't get it, and I'm not about to stand here, wasting my time, trying to explain it to you."

I went back inside, and watched through the window as he left. Once I was sure he was gone, out came the heavy breathing. I really couldn't control it. Ray came in, "What happened?" he asked. I shook my head, I didn't want to talk about it, but at the very same time, I wanted to scream about it, let it all out. I held my face in my hands, trying to calm my breathing, all the pain had come rushing back to me all at once. Ray walked over and gave me a hug, "Was Frank giving you shit?" he asked. All I could do was nod, I couldn't say anything. "Damn prick," he said, "You were doing so good." I shrugged, hell, maybe Frank was right, maybe Mikey really didn't want me anymore, maybe I took too long to realize he was the one I wanted... maybe he lost interest and didn't have the heart to tell me. That would be so... Mikey. Too sweet to say how he really feels. Finally, words came to me, maybe not the best words but... at least something other than silence, I guess. "Do you have any vodka?"

That night, Ray got drunk with me, it was kind of nice to have someone to escape with. Once we were both gone, we just talked about everything, and laughed until we cried. He was up there, at the top, and he'd tossed me down a headset so I could listen to his instructions to climb out of this hole, step by step. Frank's visit had set me back a bit, but I knew that with Ray's help I could get right back to where I was. I found that staying busy was the best way to do things, the best way to keep my mind straight, as long as I had things other than Mikey to fill my empty thoughts I would be okay. There was one place I couldn't escape it though, my dreams. He was almost always in my dreams. I remember one night I dreamed that I'd woken up, and the whole thing about Angela, the whole breakup had been nothing but a nightmare, and when I told Mikey of my awful nightmare, he looked down in shame, and Angela was in bed with us, on the other side of him. Then I woke up again, to the cold, harsh reality of what had really happened.

Because of the dreams, mornings were usually pretty bad for me. I'd formed a routine, kind of. I'd wake up, hit the snooze about six times, trying to clear my head, think of everything I was going to do that day. Then I'd get up and get in the shower, not only to cleanse myself of the filth of yesterday, but to cleanse away the dreams of the one I wanted so badly. Then I'd just do things, all kinds of things. Read. Draw. Write. Anything to keep my mind busy.

As much as I tried to keep myself distracted though. I couldn't get Frank's words out of my head. "How do you even know that he wanted you at all? Maybe he didn't." Ray kept telling me not to let Frank bother me, and I didn't want to, but I kept hearing him say those words, like a broken record almost. I kept spacing out, not hearing Ray's instructions to get out of this hole, and my foot would slip, bringing me back. It was an ongoing pattern. I was so scared that I'd really space out one day, slip completely, and fall so hard that I break right through the bottom, straight to hell. Yes, I know it's wrong to be so hung up on my own brother. I know, and I wished it was different, I really did, but I couldn't do much to change it.

As time passed, I realized a lot of things. Like the fact that I'd really done more harm to Mikey than good, he really was better off without me, with or without Angela. But, other times, I'd remember things Mikey would say to me. He'd told me, more than once, that if I ever gave in to my suicidal thoughts, he'd be right behind me, no bluffing. One night I picked up a vial of my prescription sleeping pills, counted them as they fell into my hand. One, two, three, four... I got up to about twenty-six, I think. I had the pills in my left hand and a bottle of liquor in my right, rum I think. Hey, at least we'd be together, I thought. Then I opened my eyes and really saw what was going on, and it scared the hell out of me.

I honestly didn't know what to do anymore. I didn't. Life without Mikey was killing me, but life with him destroyed me. I was officially lost, and I didn't know if I'd be coming back or not. I was so scared. I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't handle being around him and seeing him with her and feeling my heart ripped out all over again each time. I so desperately wanted to be away from him, and though it killed me, I couldn't go back. The incident with the pills really freaked me out, and I was worried that I might not stop myself in time if it happened again.

I think one of the things that hurt most, was that Frank wouldn't quit showing up to tell me to just be over it already. Fuck you, Frank, I thought. Yes, it's that easy, and cows have fucking wings. I tried and tried to tell him that I'd realized I was sick, but he wouldn't shut up. He kept telling me that my sickness was 'in my head'. Yes, I know this, I thought, now leave me the fuck alone! He just didn't get it, and I was so tired of trying to get it through his head. The only one who really got it at all was Ray, but even he was getting sick of my constant bitterness. He kept telling me to just get over it, find someone new. But he didn't know what it was like, what it was like to continuously wake up and reach for someone who wasn't there, to close your eyes and whisper things into an ear that would never hear you, to not even be able to whack off properly without seeing the face of someone you'll never see like that again, to become short of breath at the mere mention of a fucking band that this one person loved. I tried so hard to keep busy, but Frank wouldn't quit. I started to question how much longer I could live that way. I knew Mikey still loved me, and I couldn't help but think how much easier the whole thing would have been, had he not. Believe it or not, his fucked up love for me only made it harder.

It's almost scary how, right after realizing that, I was out for a drive and some guy's words** seemed to be describing my exact feelings for my brother through the car speakers...

"I have to block out thoughts of you, so I don't lose my head.
They crawl in like a cockroach, leaving babies in my bed,
Dropping little reels of tape, to remind me that I'm alone,
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home."

I'd heard those words several times before, but that day they seemed to jump out, and gnaw on my insides. I loved and hated it at the same time.

"There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain,
An ounce of peace is all I want for you, will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me, just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? It is I that wanted space..."

So many emotions went through me in that moment, that I needed to pull over. The words were hitting way too close to home. I gripped the wheel and continued to listen, though it was hard, I wanted to turn it off, but I couldn't.

"I'm sober now for three whole moths,
It's one accomplishment that you helped me with,
The one thing that always tore us apart
Is the one thing I wont touch again.
In a sick way I want to thank you, for holding my head up late at night.
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight.
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate,
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take,
So I'll drive so fuckin' far away that I never cross your mind,
and do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind..."

The words were beginning to send me into a panic attack, it was so intense. But something kept me listening to it, I had to hear the rest of it...

"And with a sad heart, I say 'bye' to you and wave,
Kicking shadows on the street, for every mistake that I had made,"

I hoped it was almost over... I didn't know how much more of it I could take.

"And then I've found I'm yelling 'Make it go away!'
Just make a smile come back, and shine just like it used to be...
And she whispered 'How can you do this to me?' "

The chorus is what really got me the most, and made me know exactly what it was that I needed to get through this whole thing.

"Hate me today. Hate me tomorrow.
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you.
Hate me in ways, yeah ways hard to swallow.
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you..."

Yes... I thought, Hate me, Mikey. Please... please, just hate me.

**Song credit: Blue October (Hate Me)

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 04:45:17 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 9
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day, Part 7 Part 8

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

My room, since then, has been like a dark, hidden lair to me. I never left, for anything really. Mikey would come down and check on me every so often, but I always kept my door locked. I couldn't ever say anything to him, I'd sit there, or lay there, in silence. Even if I'd wanted to get up, I couldn't. Well, I guess you could say I did say things to him. Things like, "Why do I still love you?" Whispered things, things that he couldn't hear. What had I done? What was I thinking telling him that I couldn't do with only a portion. A portion would sure as hell be a lot better than this nothing I had become.

One day, a couple weeks later, I was desperately trying to hold myself together. I know that I shouldn't have, but at the time, it felt like what I should have done. I picked up the phone and dialed Jen's number. For some stupid reason, I had thought she'd wait for me. I needed someone so badly. She answered, a bit... off guard, as it had been months since we'd last spoken. "Gerard?" she said. I tried to sound happy, I tried so desperately to sound happy, I didn't want her to know I was a mess. She could tell. I knew she could tell. "Hey," I said, trying to smile, wincing at the pain of it, "How have you been?" I knew my call was out of the blue, and she probably didn't want it, but I needed to hear from someone. Anyone but Mikey. "I'm... good, Gerard. Did you need something?" I chuckled a little, "I just wanted to see how you're doing and, what you've been up to..." She sighed, "I've got a new job. It's pretty good umm... Things between James and I are great--" I cut her off, "James?"

I remembered, vaguely, a guy named James she'd been friends with. I suddenly remembered I was kind of jealous of him, I was worried he'd get her from me. Well... at least I worried about that before I abandoned her for Mikey. "Yeah," she said, "James is my boyfriend now... has been for about three months. He's so sweet... how's things for you and um... what's his name?" I sighed, why the hell would I think she'd wait for me? I wouldn't have deserved it, even if she had. I was such an asshole to her. "That's great Jen, I'm happy for you," I said, trying as hard as I could to sound sincere, "As for me well... he and I um... broke up, quite recently actually." She was being so sweet, just like I remembered her, and knowing that I threw that away just to be torn apart like this, made me hurt even worse. "Oh that's awful, I'm sorry to hear that." I sighed again, not wanting to continue talking about myself. "Yeah... well... it happens. I really am glad to hear that you're doing okay..." She smiled, I could tell. "Thanks, Gerard. I hope to keep hearing from you." With that, we ended the call.

The phone toppled from my hands, rolled onto the floor. Everything was moving in slow motion. I heard a sound and looked over toward my door, and saw the knob turning. Mikey walked in, holding a small tool he'd used to pick the lock. "Gerard, what's up with this, I've been worried sick about you! I thought you were dead or something, Gee." I couldn't move, couldn't speak. I was staring at the phone, not even blinking. Mikey walked over to me and lifted my face with his hand. "Gerard if nothing else, you need to eat," he said, I could hardly see him, he was so blurry, and dark. Once I spotted him, I allowed him to slowly come into focus. God, be with me, I thought. I looked up at him, and didn't look away, waited out the darkness. I saw the tiniest glint of light in his eyes, so I pulled him to me, to kiss him, but he pushed me away. "No, Gerard, you ended that, remember?" he said. I ignored him, and tried again.

I tried to kiss him about another three or four times, having him push me away each time."Mikey," I said, he was all I could see. Everything else was black. I was so desperate. I needed him so bad. "Mikey please... I'll do anything... anything. Please. Take me back, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I broke it off. I'll stay hidden, she doesn't have to know, you can take as long as you want to tell her. Please. I don't care if she never knows, but I was wrong, I need even only a part of you... Please..." I'd been holding his face in my hands the whole time I was talking, my words spilling over like vomit. I couldn't control it. He shook his head. "No Gerard, no," he said. My heart seared, such horrible pain. I crumpled back to my bed saying 'please' over and over again. He shook his head, "Gerard, I can't do that now... before it was different, because you and I were already together. But now, if I took you back, that would definitely be cheating. I can't do that to her." I felt a panic attack coming. It was, most definitely, a time to panic.

He looked down, "Gerard... believe it or not, I was hurt too, when you said you wanted to end it." My breaths came faster, harder, thicker. "No, bull shit, Mikey, bull shit. I didn't fucking want it to end, you fucking know that." Faster breaths, faster. "If it hurt you so damn much, why the hell didn't you try and talk me out of it? You only asked why, you didn't say 'No Gee, no don't do this' or 'No, please, let's work through this, let's talk' you just let me do it. Why didn't you try and talk me out of it? Why the hell? That's what I wanted." Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. I put my face against my knees, I couldn't look at him. I couldn't breathe either, and everything hurt so fucking bad. "I'm sorry," was all he said, "We can't go back and change it now, can we?"

I lifted my head to tell him he was wrong, that yes, yes we can fix it. We can. But he was gone. The darkness rushed back in, overpowered me, knocked me down. He's really rejected me, I thought, I've got nothing, no one... I am nothing, no one. My throat hurt, it was so dry. I stood and looked around, everything seemed fake, but at the same time, painstakingly real. I opened my door and started up the stairs, maybe he was right maybe I should eat a little something, I didn't feel hungry, but making him happy was still the most important thing in the world to me. That's about when I heard her, Angela, she giggled, making my stomach churn, and I heard her say, "I love you, sweetie." This created a mix of emotions, as I understood, because I too loved Mikey, but I knew that no one could ever love him as much as I did. But what really got me wanting to throw up, was when he said, "I love you too, baby." I was his 'baby'. Me. Not her.

That night, after I crumbled back into my room, I swallowed the first bit of alcohol since the night Mikey and I got together. It burned through me like fiery velvet, but nothing burned like the pain I felt inside. I took drink after drink, letting the comforting burn settle over me. I was gone for over an hour, and it felt so nice, to just get the hell away from myself. As more time passed though, I thought more and more about what I could have done so wrong. But nothing would come to me. I was, literally, empty inside, and I wanted to get out of there. Mikey couldn't understand, he wanted me to just let go of the pain, and go back to being his big brother, like it had been before. He didn't realize just how badly that statement alone hurt me. Fucked up on my part? Yes. I know. I wanted to be able to do that for him though, I wanted to so badly. I couldn't. I could barely even look at him. I really needed out of there.

I made arrangements to stay with an old friend for a while, possibly my only friend that wasn't entirely freaked out by my whole Mikey situation. It was so nice to have at least someone understand. Ray had a spare room for me and everything, truly a God-send. The day I left, Mikey begged and pleaded with me not to go, said he needed me. I told him it's for the best, that I just needed some time to try and heal. He cried, said he already missed me. "So why can't we just be together again?" I asked. He hung his head, "I might lose her." I put my arms around him, "You don't know that for sure my love, and even if so... you'd still have... me..." He said nothing, and I wanted to throw up.

"One more kiss?" I asked, wiping the last of his tears away. He lifted his head, and leaned toward me, so I moved to kiss him, but he pulled away at the last second, "I can't Gee... I can't do that to her..." I lost it, yet again, "Mikey I don't know, okay? I don't know what to do. God knows I love you, so damn much, and I want you so bad, but you want her, so I'm going to go, Mikey. I'm just going to go and leave you to be in peace, at least for a while. Just tell me something Mikey, tell me we can try it again later on." He took a deep breath, and nodded, "Of course baby." His calling me 'baby' just then made me wince, but I somehow managed to hold my composure. I hugged him tight, loving him. "I'll wait as long as it takes for you, Mikey. You'll always know where I am if you need anything," I whispered. He was crying. "I love you, Mikey," I continued, "more than anything, I always will, don't you dare ever forget that." He shook his head. He didn't want to let go of me, and I only wished he felt that way inside, too. I suddenly wanted to lighten the situation, I was dying inside, burning, but I wanted to at least make him feel better. "If she hurts you," I said, "she fucking dies." He laughed a little, and I smiled, kissed his cheek, and went out the door.

Once outside, I breathed, I promised him I'd never leave him, and there I was... doing just that. I glanced at the mail box on my way to the car, and decided to just check it out, see if I had anything I could just grab and take with me on my way. There was something from Jen. I got into my car and opened it up. I think that just topped the day off, best day of my life, I tell you. It was a wedding invitation. She was marrying James. There was a picture too, she looked so happy. I was both overjoyed that she was happy, and torn apart that it wasn't me there with her at the same time. I didn't like the feeling, so I put it away, out of sight, out of mind. I was going to start my life over... that's it, just start everything over. I made the mistake of glancing up as I drove away, and saw Mikey watching me through the window. I looked away, as if I'd just looked directly at the sun. Both beautiful and painful at the same time.

I got to Ray's, and got settled. I have to say, I don't think I'd still be here if it wasn't for him. He really helped me a lot more than he knows, or is willing to admit. My second day there, he practically forced me to go through my things and get rid of everything that reminded me of Mikey. It was hard as hell, and I know for a fact that I wouldn't have done it without him there, making me do it. "You're starting your life now," he'd said. "But Ray," I replied, "He's my brother, I can't just... abandon him and say I don't have a brother." He shook his head, "For now, Gerard, you don't, okay? I don't mean forever, but just for now, there is no Mikey, only you. It's for the best, trust me." I had to look away, as I tore up the last picture I had. I refused to get rid of the childhood pictures though, us growing up, he said that was fine, but all the ones from the last few months at least had to go. I didn't even want to do that, but he conned me into it. I thanked him... about a month later, of course, but I thanked him.

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 23:29:12 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 8
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day, Part 7

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

I moved back over to Mikey. I needed it, damn it, if nothing else at all, I needed him. I took his hand and looked up into his eyes. "I'm sorry, Mikey... I shouldn't have said that," he shook his head. "No, don't be... it's okay I just... I don't know." I quieted him with my lips, kissing him slowly, and he kissed back, moving his hands down my back. I longed for him, everything about him. My body longed to belong to him. I craved it, almost like a drug, I felt so emotionally abandoned, and I wasn't going to give up the very least of a physical attachment without a fight. My hand slowly moved along his body, exploring it, loving it, I loved him so much, and I wanted to show him. It used to be a beautiful thing between the two of us, a physical expression of our love for each other, but that night it was a desperate attempt of mine to hang on to him. Yes, I know how fucked up that is.

Our kiss had grown hungry, desperate, at least from my end, and my hand moved down lower. He was still hard. I pulled away and smiled at him, lustfully. "So... I didn't completely kill the mood, now did I?" I asked, teasing him with my hand. He blushed a little and shook his head, and I kissed him again. I lifted my head to look at him, the lust in my vision was so thick that I could barely see him for him, I only saw what I wanted then and there. "You want it, Mikey?" I asked, rubbing him more, "You want to fuck me some more?" He'd always loved when I talked like that, and I felt evidence right then as he firmed up a tiny bit more. He moaned softly and nodded, and I stopped moving my hand. "I'm sorry, what was that?" I asked, moving my hand away. He groaned in frustration, "Get over here and shut up so I can fuck you," he demanded.

I didn't obey his orders, for the first time ever. I took control. From the looks of it, he didn't mind at all. I straddled him and together we got him into me, and I rode him, slowly, deeply. It's really quite sad, how fulfilling it was to me right then. He started getting back into it too, like he'd been only moments before, fucking me on my back. His hands moved up and down me, touching me, feeling me. Right as everything in the world but me and him disappeared, my mouth was working against me again. "Mikey," I panted, starting to move faster. He mumbled some form of a halfway thought-provoked response, his hands clenched to my hips as he moved his own against mine. "Baby," I continued, "Have you ever... thought about her, you know... when you're inside me?" He stopped moving and stared up at me, and I cursed myself for saying that, especially right then. What the hell was wrong with me? Why couldn't I just shut the hell up and keep at it, at least until we were both done?

I stopped too, "Ugh... fuck, I'm sorry Mikey." He stared at me, "How could you even... think that, Gerard? You know I love you! I get hard just thinking about fucking you, and you know that!" I moved up once and back down, "so show me, right here," I said. He bit his lip a little, and nodded. I had been half-expecting him to push me off and try and say I killed the mood again, but he didn't. He started going at it even faster than before, setting me on fire. I moaned, loud, God I loved getting fucked. He said nothing more, just fucked me until he came, then nudged me off him, pulled out and moved away from me again. Not a word. I lied there a moment, breathless, then tried to move over to him. "Mikey?" I asked, a little scared that he might be mad. Shakily, I put my hand on his arm, "Baby you okay?" I asked. Still no answer, so I kissed his shoulder and lied down beside him.

Finally, he turned over and faced me. "Missed you," I whispered, smiling at him, then tried to kiss him. I wanted to be with him, kiss him softly and whisper to him how I loved him, just like we always did right after sex. It was almost better than the act itself. He pushed me away though, and said, "Not now Gee. I just... I can't do it right now." His words made me lose it. "Oh, right," I said, a bit cockily, "You can fuck me, that's okay, but being truly intimate would feel too much like cheating on your new girlfriend, wouldn't it?" He sighed, obviously annoyed, "Don't be like this, Gerard. That's not what I meant, and you know it... I'm just... not ready to start thinking about things like that right now, like what you said earlier." He got up and started putting his clothes back on. Before that, I noted, he loved just laying naked with me, relishing in the afterglow of our love making.

I watched him finish getting dressed, studied him. "No, I don't know that, Mikey," I said, after a somewhat lengthy silence. God, why couldn't I just shut the fuck up? I kept talking, "I only know that you've broken a promise you made to me, and God damn it, I need to be selfish right now, it hurts like fucking hell. I want to know how the hell I'm supposed to think anything other than that you'd prefer to hurt me and make me feel this way, just to have her. Mikey if she wouldn't understand, which you're not certain she wont, she doesn't deserve you."

He sighed, said nothing, and picked up my clothes, then handed them to me and kissed my cheek. "Good night," he said, "I love you, sweet dreams." I was confused, but started getting dressed to cover up my exposed... used body. "What's this about?" I asked. He shifted around, getting comfortable, "It's about me wanting some sleep, and you needing some time away from me. Now good night." Right then, all I could feel was rejection, 'nothing's changed' my ass.

I went back to the cold, lonely pit of my room. The darkness. I couldn't tell if I was pissed off, or just plain hurt... or merely scared shit-less. For all I knew it was a combination of all three. I had fallen and shattered, and not even Mikey was willing to put me back together. My salvation was gone, and I had only just realized it. So I wept, until everything was dry. Until I burned with dehydration.

It wasn't the pretty tears you see on movies and television. It was hard, raw emotion, ugly emotion. It was me literally being turned inside out. I was angry, I was hurt, I was fucking scared... terrified. Falling that low had always been one of my greatest fears, so when it happened, I hit hard, and everything suddenly became hauntingly real. I wanted to die. The shredder was switched back on, the hole uncovered. I didn't even have as much as a ladder just out of my reach. I couldn't even see anything above me. Everything was black.

The next day was all blurry to me, I remember bits and pieces of it. I had said something along the lines of him being happier with only her, and that we'd be better off if we stopped everything. I had said if he couldn't give all of himself to me, a portion wouldn't do, because I literally needed all or nothing. I couldn't take only having a portion. All in all, we basically broke up. He cried, asked why I was doing it, so I told him not to cry and said I'd always love him. He asked if we could still be brothers. No shit, we're kind of related by blood dumbass, I thought. I couldn't talk to him much after that though, the pain still felt fresh, and it still burned horribly. I was so far gone, so very far gone. He brought her over a few times, and I'd have to leave. I couldn't stand it, I just couldn't. I couldn't handle the image of her hand on his, that hand belonged to me.

I knew one thing though... if she hurt him in any way, there'd be hell to pay.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 01:04:14 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 7
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Valentine's Day

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

I couldn't breathe, I found myself choking on air. In that moment, everything slipped away. He let go of my hand, and I fell, shattered to pieces at the bottom. Why did I have to be so damn fragile? It happened so fast that I hardly felt it, at least not until after it was done. I was suddenly ashamed of my naked body, so ashamed of everything I was. I wanted to sink down into the bed and never come back up. I wanted to drown. The pain of it exploded inside of me, the roaring pain. I felt my insides burn where the knife had cut through. It was unbearable. I needed to be out of there, but I found myself lacking the will to even get up and walk out

Somewhere, I finally found it. I pulled the first article of clothing I could get my hands on over my body and walked out. I needed to cover myself up, and hide. I needed to be gone, I needed to not exist. He tried to follow me but I got into my own room and locked the door before he could. My intention upon going in there was to get shit-faced and pass out, but, thus, my promise to Mikey overpowered my own desire, I wound up laying in bed, staring into oblivion. I didn't even know what I was thinking about. It wasn't long though, before Mikey was knocking on my door, pleading with me to come out and talk. I didn't want to talk. I wanted to disappear.

Maybe... I thought, just maybe, if I told him how badly I needed it... he'd tell her. I got up and opened the door. He came in and put his arms around me, kissed me. I pulled away and began speaking before I really know what I was saying. "Please," I whispered, "Please Mikey... just tell her, please." I didn't want to start crying again, but it began to seem as though I hadn't much of a choice. I rested my forehead on his shoulder as the tears came, breaking through the dam I tried to build. He held me tighter, "I'll try..." he whispered. I couldn't say anything, I couldn't speak through the tears, they weren't even violent ones, but they were strong, they burned. I didn't want him to try, I wanted him to tell her, I couldn't say that though. I couldn't upset Mikey. I couldn't stop crying though. He lifted my face with his fingers, gently, and softly kissed my lips. "I'm so sorry," he whispered, "I'm so, so sorry, Gerard, I never wanted to hurt you." I still couldn't speak, I tried to turn my face away from him, so he wouldn't have to see my tears.

"Look at me, Gee," he said, quietly. I couldn't deny him, after all this, I still couldn't deny him. I turned my eyes up, to his, desperately trying to stop the waterworks. He kept his fingers under my chin, lifting his thumb to brush a single tear away from under my left eye. I blinked, and another one fell, I tried to turn away again. He stopped me, "Please," he said, "Just look at me." Again, I turned my eyes up to his, which closed as he kissed me softly again. I pulled away, finally finding my ability to form words again. "I know Mikey... I know, but you have. I can't lie to you, it fuckin' stings." He turned away then, keeping his hand on my face, his other arm around my body. He turned back, examined my tear stained face, "God it hurts to see you like this..." he said quietly. I sighed heavily, "Then tell her my love, please. I'll even help you if you want. I'll talk to her with you, I'll be there, or I'll stay the hell away, whatever helps the most. Please." He shook his head, "I said I'll try Gerard, that's all I can say right now." Please, Mikey, I begged, silently, please come put me back together.

"You wanna go to bed?" he asked. I shook my head, I never wanted to leave that spot. He kissed me again, "You know that nothing's changed between us, right?" I simply nodded, no, I didn't know that, in fact I knew everything had changed, but I wanted him to be happy. He sighed, "Baby you're shivering, let's get you in bed." I felt dead, empty, meaningless, so I followed him like a rag doll and let him put more clothes on me. Then he lied down beside me, his arm still around me, "I love you..." he said, a bit awkwardly. I breathed in, "I love you too," I said, almost inaudibly, because I did, through everything he'd done to me, I still loved him, and nothing would ever change that, I knew that much for sure. He kept saying he was sorry, but all I could think was, if he's so fucking sorry, why the hell can't he just tell her? I had become nothing more than a bag holding broken shards of my life, and I needed, truly needed Mikey to open me up and fit it all back together, I couldn't do it by myself.

He fell asleep sometime after that, but I couldn't. I could only lie there and stare at him. How could he say nothing had changed? Everything was suddenly so different. I wanted to touch him so bad, I wanted to reach over and brush some hair out of his face, which I would have done without even thinking only two days before, but then I couldn't. I felt that if I touched him, I'd be violating him. I felt like he wasn't mine any longer, he belonged to Angela.

I don't even remember the time passing, but the sun started coming up. I got up and went outside. I needed to be away. I felt so dead inside though, that I didn't think I could will myself to actually go anywhere. My mind ached, my body too. Why couldn't he see how badly I needed it? It was below freezing outside, but I couldn't feel it, and lied down on the damp grass. I couldn't even feel myself shivering uncontrollably, all I could feel was the pain. Suddenly I remembered that he'd said I only needed to ask, was it too late? I'd hate to sound selfish like that, but I was already gone, I felt I should try anything I could to come back. I stayed there though, examining the grass, feeling the sun moving higher in the sky. The door opened and I looked up, there stood Mikey, who let a sigh of relief. "There you are," he said. I made no motion to get up, so he walked over to me. "What are you doing out here?" he asked, "It's freezing." I shrugged, still not getting up.

He knelt beside me, "Come inside?" he asked. I sighed, not that I didn't want to go inside, I just lacked the strength I'd need to get up. "Mikey..." I whispered. He leaned closer to me. "It's probably too late but... you told me all I needed to do was ask... and I think I need to do that now... I'm sorry." He looked a bit confused, "Ask what?" I sighed, "That you don't talk to her again..." His head hung, "Gee..." he whispered, "I can't do that now. I can't leave her." I nodded and turned my head away from him. Figures. "Please come inside," he begged, "It's so cold, you're gonna get sick again." He stood and offered me his hand. I hesitated, but took it. He helped me up and put his arm around me as we went inside. I couldn't control my words that day, "So you can't leave her... but you'll break a promise to me, you'll hurt me like this, but you can't leave her?" He sounded irritated, "No, Gerard, that's not it, please don't think that." Don't think that? "What am I supposed to think then?" I shot back. He shook his head, "I don't know."

So badly, I wanted to be able to shut myself up, I wanted to stop saying those things to him. I wanted to not let it bother me, I wanted him to be happy, but I couldn't stop talking. "Mikey... you know how much I hate to sound selfish, and I don't want you to have to choose, but at the rate things are going, I'm afraid that you might not have a choice." He shook his head, "No. I wont. I refuse. I cannot choose, Gerard. I just wont, that's it. No." Defeat.

Later on, the sickness in my mind led to new thoughts, completely new thoughts. I sought him out and just started kissing him, no words, only kisses, deep kisses. He tried to ask what was going on, but I didn't hear him. I kept my eyes closed and started touching his body everywhere I could reach, paying extra attention to a certain area between his legs. He moaned quietly, so I rubbed him there harder, satisfied with the feeling of it growing beneath my hand. Somehow, inside my head, I was convinced that I'd gain some kind of victory by fucking him then and there, he didn't seem to be complaining though. He was the one that guided us to his room, not me. We fell together onto his bed, touching, groping. He was still mine, and I wanted to prove it. I'm still not sure where the plan had come from, but oh well, it was working in that moment. I let my hand slip into the front of his pants, rubbing more and more, getting turned on at feeling him grow harder.

"Gee," he panted, my lips finally away from his long enough for him to speak. I moved my hand out of his pants and up inside his shirt, touching him. "Gee are you okay?" he asked. I could only nod, and kiss him more. I was so empty, that I needed something to fill me up, and if I couldn't have alcohol, this was the next best thing. Don't get me wrong, our relationship was a lot more than physical, but in that moment, I felt that it was all we had left, and I burned with desire for him. I got all his clothing off and greedily touched every part of his body. I knew he could tell something was wrong, but I could also tell that he knew I needed it. I needed something, that's for sure. Once we were both free of clothing, he took charge, and situated me onto my back, he always liked being the one in control, and I always liked it that way. He placed my legs around his waist and kissed me again, then coated himself with a layer of his own saliva and proceeded to begin fucking me.

Only Mikey could do that, change the plan around and wind up fucking me, when my intention had been to fuck him.

It felt so good that night, feeling him inside me, being full of him, rather than pain. "Tell me I'm the only one, Mikey," I panted, "tell me I'm the only one who gets this. The only one who gets to be fucked by you. Tell me." He didn't say anything, only fucked me harder, making me moan and temporarily forget what I'd just asked. Suddenly another thought took over, "M-Mikey" I panted, "M-Maybe if you t-told her, she could j-join us for thi-things like this, s-sometimes." He stopped and just stared at me, not saying a word. I groaned in frustration and tried to start up again from my end, but he pulled out and moved away from me. Had I really said something that wrong. God, I was so sick, so broken. What could I do?

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 07:54:01 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 6, Valentine's Day
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

I had decided that I would make Mikey a card for Valentine's Day. Nothing fancy, really. Just something to tell him how I feel. I had spent the better part of two weeks figuring out what to write. I needed the perfect words to write. Only the perfect words would do, for the perfect love. I poured all my heart and soul into making it as perfect as I could. Achingly perfect. I used a calligraphy pen to write it, I wanted it to look pretty. As I took special care to make each letter perfect, my vision suddenly went blurry. I blinked, but it didn't go away. I put the pen down, and tried keeping my eyes closed a few seconds. It still wouldn't go away. I tried and tried, but everything was so blurry. I was starting to panic. I put the card and the pen into a drawer and went to find Mikey, I needed him.

"Mikey?" I said, willing him to me. He entered the room, "Yes, love?" I continued trying to blink, to rub my eyes, take deep breaths. Everything. Nothing would work. "I can't see, Mikey," I said. He looked at me, a bit confused. "Everything's blurry," I said, "I'm scared Mikey... hold me?" He did, making me feel comforted at the mere feeling of his arms around me. "Why can't you see?" he asked. I shrugged, my eyes closed, "I don't know Mikey... Everything just went blurry and I can't see." He kissed my cheek, "It'll be okay love, don't be scared I'm here." Sure, I know that it was a little thing to be afraid of but, the first time I noted that it wouldn't come back, the first thing I thought was 'I'm going blind'. Then, the first thing after that was, 'If I'm blind I'll never be able to look at Mikey again'. Yes, that's how my thoughts worked. Sad, isn't it?

He rocked me back and forth for a long time, the slightest things could send me into a panic attack. I hated it, but at least I had Mikey. The rope slipped further, he was getting so tired. I tried so hard to help him, I just wanted to get the hell out of here, and hold him, make everything up to him. I was so close to getting out, so close. Just a bit further Mikey, I kept thinking, a tiny bit further, please? I fell asleep there in Mikey's arms, and woke up to the feeling of his fingers tucking some hair behind my ear. "Gee?" he said, softly. I mumbled a response, trying to wake up more so I could satisfy his desire to wake me up. "I called the doctor baby, they said it's another sign of stress. Sweetheart please, please stop this. I'm okay, I'm happy. I love you, I need you to be okay," he said, an honestly concerned look on his face. I sighed, "Babe I don't even know what I'm doing... All I think about is how much I want to make your life perfect." He gently stroked the side of my face, "It is perfect, Gerard. It's perfect because I have you."

His words sounded almost foreign to me, and kind of far away. No, I thought, no he deserves better. He always deserves better. Whenever I said that to him, he'd almost get offended and tell me he had the very best anyone could get. He told me he didn't deserve me. He said I treated him perfectly; like royalty. I'd always tell him that it was only because he is royalty. But, he still deserved better. "Thank you," I whispered. "For what?" he asked. I noted that my vision was back to normal. "For being you," I said. He kissed me then, with so much emotion. "Don't ever leave me Gerard, never ever leave me," he begged. I shook my head, "Never baby, I love you too much." He sighed, "Why do you love me?" I smiled and kissed his cheek, "Because you're you."

I kissed him again and stood up. "Thank you babe, for doing all that, but I was just about to finish your card so I'll be right back," I said. He nodded, so I headed back to my desk and took everything back out of the drawer. I'd never worked this hard on anything for anyone for Valentine's day before. I hoped he would like it. I finished writing the words I'd picked out, and slid it into the envelope, and licked the seal to close it up. I then wrote his name on the outside of the envelope with the same calligraphy scrawl I'd used for the inside of the card, and tied a red satin ribbon around it. I had everything planned out. I would leave the card where he'd find it when he gets home, and be waiting for him in bed with candles lit and everything. It was going to be so perfect.

The night before, as we were going to sleep, he informed me that he'd be going to lunch with Angela. "On Valentine's Day?" I asked. He nodded, "It's just a friendly lunch, I promise baby." I felt a little sick, "Well... can't you set it for another day? It's... Valentine's Day baby, just tell her you wanna spend it with someone..." He sighed, "Baby, it's only lunch, and she asked so nice. We'll have the whole night together, I promise." I still felt sick, but I couldn't say anything. "Mikey?" I asked, finally. He moaned a sleepy response. "Tell her? I mean... you don't have to tell her it's me, I totally see why you wouldn't want to but... tell her there's someone? Please?" He mumbled something in his sleep again. He wasn't there. I felt a single tear creep down the side of my face, and blinked. The rope slipped completely, I knew it had, I knew it. I clung to the edge, I'm not giving up without the best fight I can put up.

I didn't sleep that night, just couldn't. My stomach felt sicker and sicker throughout the night. I couldn't believe he was going out with Angela on Valentine's Day of all days. I couldn't say anything though, I'd rather lay in complete silent agony than start a fight with my Mikey. I pretended to be asleep, for his sake, when he got up, got ready and went out the door. I noted he didn't kiss me goodbye... I always kissed him goodbye when I left somewhere, whether he was sleeping or not. That shouldn't have upset me, I know, but it did. See, I was already upset to begin with.

I spent most of the day in bed, just numb. I didn't want to believe that he wouldn't reach in and pull me out of this hole. He would, as soon as he got home he'd take my hand and pull me out, and everything would be okay. My arms were tired, I couldn't hold on very long... he'd better be fast. At one point I looked at the clock and saw that he was due home soon, so I got up and got everything ready for his arrival, just as I'd planned. I put the card by the door and lit a single candle next to it. Then took a quick shower and made a painfully cute little trail of rose petals from the door to the bed I'd be waiting for him in and lit about a dozen candles, placing them throughout the room. I stripped down and waited for him under the covers in the February chill. The door opened after about twenty minutes of waiting and I smiled to myself, waiting as he found the card and opened it, and finally I saw his familiar form in the doorway of the bedroom. He smiled and crawled onto the bed, kissing me as he removed his coat.

He kicked off his shoes and pulled the blanket over both of us as he snuggled in close to me and kissed me again, passionately. "Happy Valentine's Day, baby," he said. I sighed happily, "Same to you babe, like the card?" He nodded, kissing me again. "I meant everything I wrote," I said, "Everything baby." He nodded and kissed me yet again. As the minutes passed, our kisses got more heated, more passionate. He reached my hand and started to pull, I helped as much as I could. We kissed and kissed and kissed, I think we kissed more that night than we had our whole relationship. Right as I was about to help him be rid of his shirt he pulled away and sighed. "Gee babe we need to talk.." he said. A knife came out of nowhere, and jabbed into my stomach. I swallowed, "About what?" I asked. He sighed again, "Gee... baby... my love... I... I don't know how to put this." The knife jabbed harder. "Put what?" He looked down and played with the hem of his shirt a little, he spoke fast, "Angela's my girlfriend." It cut into me, and threatened to saw along my insides. I swallowed again, he was about to let go, I could feel it.

I felt myself shaking, but that's about all I felt at the moment, that and the knife. "When?" I asked. He still wouldn't look at me. God. Valentine's Day, he was doing this on Valentine's Day. "Today... over lunch," was all he said. I swallowed again, "When are you going to tell her, Mikey?" The knife stabbed deeper, and I felt like I was about to throw up. He took a deep breath, "I... I can't Gee... she wouldn't like it." She wouldn't like it. She wouldn't fucking like it, of course she wouldn't fucking like to find out that her new boyfriend is fucking another guy. That's why she should have known before. The knife slowly sawed along, gutting me. I was being gutted. Mikey let go of me. I was falling fast again, with nothing to take hold of. "What if I don't like this?" I asked, choking a little on my words, trying to get them out over the searing pain in my stomach. He took a shaky breath, "I'm sorry Gerard, I just can't... I thought we talked about this."

I wanted to throw up, I wanted to be empty of all feeling, I didn't want to feel this knife gutting me. But I couldn't. "We talked about it, and you said you'd tell her. You promised me Mikey, you promised me. You got me believing that it wouldn't happen..." I said, I was too upset to even cry. My stomach hurt so bad, and I was falling on top of that. Dizziness took over. I couldn't control myself, I started hyperventilating, and held my head in my hands. "Gee..." he said, trying to put his arms around me. I jerked away from him, "Don't fucking touch me, Mikey." I started to shake uncontrollably. He started begging me to calm down, and he sounded near tears. I wanted to calm down, oh how I wanted to, but I couldn't. "So you'll hurt me like fuck but you wont keep a promise you made to me? Is that it?" he tried again to put his arms around me. "I said don't touch me!" I shot at him. Out of nowhere, salt started to pour on my wound. The tears finally came, the pain was too much.

He started in a half-assed explanation of why he couldn't tell her, but I couldn't hear him. Not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't. He was already a mile away, I was falling so quickly. I'd be in hell before I knew it.

A/N: Sorry this one's kinda short too.

Sat, 08 Jul 2006 02:44:38 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 5
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R right now.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

Time passed, but no matter how much I tried I couldn't get used to the thought of Mikey with Angela... with anyone but me. We started fighting more and more, I couldn't control it, I just couldn't take it when he'd go out with Angela. They weren't a couple yet, but still, I knew it was going to happen any day, I knew it, and it was killing me inside. Mikey's happiness was so unhealthily important to me though, that I figured he was worth all that, he was worth my pain, my suffering. How could I be so selfish to want happiness for myself? Mikey was all that mattered. The rope was so close to breaking that I had to stop climbing entirely, I could only hang there, begging, pleading for help, always in silence.

Finally, the day came. Mikey pulled up on the rope, he'd come to save me. I remember that conversation, he came in from having been out with her, so I did as usual, greeting him with a kiss and saying, "I missed you." He kissed me back and sat down, only for me to sit beside him. He sighed as I rested my head on his shoulder. "Did you tell her yet?" I asked. He shook his head and sighed, "Not yet, Gee." I didn't lift my head, didn't move, didn't say anything, but everything hurt right then. "Oh..." was all I could say, desperately trying to hide my pain, but I knew he'd see right through me, he always did. "Gee," he whispered, "stop worrying my love, it's not gonna happen, she's lost interest." I blinked, "Really?" I asked. He nodded, "Really baby, it's okay... I'm sorry."

I couldn't believe it. I wasn't lucky enough for that. I didn't think it was real. "How do you know?" I asked, still in disbelief. He kissed me and said not to worry about it, that it was over, and done with. I still wanted to know, I wouldn't believe it unless I knew, couldn't believe it unless I knew. I couldn't ask again though, I hated getting him irritated with me. I didn't know this at the time, but he had me walking on eggshells, what with my sickness and all. If he was so much as a little annoyed with me, I literally felt like that was it, right there, the world was over, there goes the sky.

I discovered that one of the biggest reasons I was so damn terrified of losing him was that I was so fucking scared of falling down this hole, which I discovered leads straight to hell. I didn't want to fall to hell... I hoped with all my soul that he would start pulling faster. Mentally, I begged him to not let go, I promised him that it'd be worth it once I was out, everything would get so much better, perfect. I just needed him to do this one hard thing for me. He'd never have to lift a finger for me again in his life if he'd only pull me through this. I needed him so bad.

Without realizing it though, I was taking more than he could give. He didn't know it either. It was only a matter of time before he would be drained completely, and the rope would slip. I didn't want to fall, but nothing could have been done to stop it from happening.

At one point, I came down with a cold, which just wouldn't go away, and after almost a month, and it still not being gone, Mikey begged and begged me to see a doctor about it. I didn't want to go, but anything for Mikey. I went, and the nurse wrote the vitals she took down in my file. A few minutes later, the doctor came in and discussed my symptoms with me, then prescribed some antibiotics. He took another look at my chart. "Hmm, much faster heart rate than normal," he said, "that's strange... you don't have any personal history of heart problems... I think you should go upstairs for an E.K.G., just as a precaution." He filled out an order for it and told me what floor to go to. Inside the elevator, Mikey anxiously squeezed my hand, he was so worried.

When we got up to the cardiology lab, I found the sign that labeled the E.K.G. testing room. There was a small curtained area with an exam table, some chairs and a machine of some kind. The technician entered and took the doctor's order paper from me. "You must be Gerard," she said. I nodded. "Okay, great. I'll be doing your E.K.G. test today. I'll just need everything off from the waist up, then lie down and I'll be back in a moment." With that, she turned and walked out. I removed my shirt and handed it to Mikey who had taken one of the chairs, then lied down as she'd instructed. I watched Mikey from there, his knee bouncing as he nervously fiddled with a hem on my shirt, chewing his bottom lip. I remember he looked so beautiful right then. Though, he was always beautiful to me, no matter what, all the time. He wanted to help me so bad, he was trying so hard. But, I was slowly destroying him with my constant needs, my selfishness. The rope was beginning to slip.

She came back in and began connecting small wires from the machine to different parts of my body; my chest, neck, shoulder, side, foot even... then told me to relax and take deep breaths. I did so and waited as she hit different buttons on the machine and printed something out. "All right, you can get dressed," she said, removing the last of the wires. "I'll get these results sent right down to your doctor, just go ahead and go once you're ready." I thanked her as she walked away.

Mikey stood and started helping me put my shirt back on. "I bet she's gonna need to go find a vibrator or something too, after seeing and touching your hot body," he said, laughing a bit. I laughed too, pulling my shirt all the way on. "Maybe," I said, "but you're the only one who can touch me and have me help you with it." By then we were back in the elevator, so he giggled and kissed me. "Really though baby," he said, worry suddenly taking over his playfulness, "I'm really worried now, what if something's really wrong?" I shook my head, "I'm fine, my love." He sighed, "You better be... but right now I can't deny that I got a little turned on back there, looking at you and all your hotness..." I laughed, "We're just gonna have to do something about that at home now aren't we? Because just knowing that about you gets me hard." It's not exactly difficult to say what went on once we got home.

After, we lied together in bed, our bodies entwined together. I linked the fingers of my right hand with his left and simply gazed into his eyes. I could do that for hours if I had to. I kissed his hand and slowly trailed kisses along his arm to his shoulder, then up to his neck, over his chin, before finally kissing his lips. "I love you so much," I whispered, "and now that you wouldn't quit with the kissing you're gonna get sick too, and I'm gonna have to take care of you." He giggled, "How can I not kiss you? Seriously. I love you too, by the way." I sighed and lied back down, letting my hands trail along his perfect body. He's so amazing, I thought, what have I done to deserve this perfect being? I didn't really think I deserved him, but I never took him for granted, I thanked him for being with me at least once every day. I knew I could be a struggle sometimes, and I was so grateful that he was putting up with me.

The next day, the phone rang. It was someone from my doctor's office. I answered and a woman's voice informed me that she was the nurse. I made some form of acknowledgment and she continued on to tell me that the E.K.G. reported that I'd been under too much stress. What was stressing me so bad? I seriously had no idea. Mikey asked me what was going on when I hung the phone up. "They said I'm under too much stress.." I said. His eyes grew wide, and he took my hands into his, "Sweetheart... baby... you gotta stop this. Stop stressing yourself my love, I refuse to let you damage your heart." I kissed him softly, "I'm fine babe, really... I don't even know what I could be stressing over." He shook his head slightly, "Gee you're stressing over me... this needs to stop. It's not worth it." I closed my eyes... making him happy was stressing me a lot... that's no lie, but he's worth it, that's what he was wrong about. "Mikey I only want to do what it takes to make you happy," I whispered. He put his arms around me, "I'll be perfectly happy just as long as you're okay, I can't handle knowing that I'm causing you stress baby..." he sounded like he was about to cry, "I need you to stop this."

I softly kissed his cheek... he had begun to flicker in my eyes, and I knew deep down inside that everything was going to go blurry at any time. I denied it to myself though, nothing was real. Nothing but Mikey. He wouldn't let me go, he even cried a little. I'm sorry Mikey, I'm so sorry, I kept thinking... I never meant to cause harm to him... "You have my heart baby," I said, "Only you, and since it's in your hands, I'll do everything I can to keep from harming it... because it belongs to you, so what you say goes." He kissed me and thanked me.

Right after that I allowed myself to relax a little, started letting myself look forward to our first Valentine's Day. I'd never really had someone to spend it with, I could hardly wait. I had an idea for what to give him and everything too. I wanted the whole day to be a surprise for him. I loved surprising him. I just didn't know that he'd have a surprise waiting for me.

A/N: Sorry this one's kinda short.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 19:38:02 GMT

Title: Dark, Lifeless Void, part 4
Author: Someone else, because it's in my LJ yes... yes... Just kidding it's me.
Pairing: Slight Het, very slight. Waycest.
Summary: Gerard's thoughts and memories.
Disclaimer: If I owned these boys I wouldn't have to make this stuff up.
Rating: Somewhere between PG-13 and R right now.
A/N: Soooo this has been eating at me forever, I don't know everyone might think it sucks but oh well. Comments are good.

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

*~*Gerard's P.O.V.*~*

After the whole incident about Angela, I locked Mikey out of my room. I needed some space. Out came the blade... and the vodka. Two things I'd promised Mikey I'd never touch again. I needed an escape though, I needed out. I was falling and I needed just something to grab a hold of... a comfort. I know how fucked up that sounds, trust me I know, but I was so sick, so very very sick. I poured the precious vodka between my lips, but my throat wouldn't open. It wouldn't go down, I tried and tried but it wouldn't go down. I spat it out, my breaths coming faster and faster. Oh, God help me. I pressed the razor to my skin and prepared to slash away, I needed something, anything. I couldn't do that either, oh, fuck. I promised Mikey I wouldn't... and apparently my subconscious had more control over my actions than my sick, fucked up consciousness. I was so hurt by him, so hurt, but I cared too much about him to break a promise. I was a mess, my mind and my body. I couldn't take it. Why the hell couldn't I just let myself get plastered? Why couldn't I just slash my arm up a bit and be done with it?

I heard Mikey knocking on my door, he sounded so worried. "Gee? Please Gee, Gerard let me in. Please!" he called through the door. I stumbled over and unlocked it, I couldn't deny him, he was up there at the top watching me fall, but I still couldn't deny him, I loved him so much. He opened the door and tried to put his arms around me, but I turned away from him, I was so fucked in the head, I couldn't even look at him. The colors of my world were swirling together and I couldn't grab hold of anything. I was just free falling, and only God knew how deep in I would land. I didn't even know that I was sobbing until Mikey finally forced me into his arms. He somehow got me over to my bed and sat me down. "Gerard, please oh please tell me you haven't been drinking..." he said, trying to wipe my constant fall of tears off my face. "No," I choked, God, I was such a fucking mess, "No I didn't have a damn drink Mikey, I wanted to, I wanted to so fucking bad but I promised you I wouldn't, so I didn't."

He kept trying to calm me down, which only enraged me more. I shoved him off me, "Just GO Mikey! Just go fuck Angela for all I care! It's what you want, Mikey, so go!" He only got back up and came back over to me, tears in his eyes then too. "Gerard, God baby... if it really upsets you this much I wont, I'll tell her, I can't stand seeing you like this," he said, holding me close as I sobbed uncontrollably. Had he really seen me falling and decided to throw me a rope? It seemed so impossible. "You'd do that?" I asked. He nodded, "I'd do anything for you Gerard, I'm so sorry I even considered it... I'd give up everything for you, anything." My sobs turned into shakes, as he continued to hold me. A rope, he threw me a rope, sure it was harder to climb than a ladder, but it was at least something, something to hang on to.

Slowly, I willed myself the strength I'd need to begin climbing this rope. Sure, it was no rocket booster-equipped ladder, but it was better than nothing, much better, and Mikey was worth every last bit of the effort. I could only hope to God himself that the rope wouldn't begin to fray, but, of course, it would eventually. I could look up and see the beginnings of it. Look away, I thought, ignore it and it'll be okay, just ignore it. So I did, I just continued climbing.

Shortly after that, after Mikey had cleaned me up a bit and made sure I hadn't cut either, he climbed into bed with me. Maybe he had a point, I don't know... maybe he was right, maybe if he was dating Angela also, people wouldn't suspect things about me and him... maybe. It was hard to think about... but he was my brother, and not many people take well to brothers that fuck.

I didn't want to think about it anymore. Mikey was so sweet to take care of me like he did, but I felt so guilty, he shouldn't have had to take care of me. He should only have had to love me, and be with me like he'd wanted. He didn't ask for a mentally fucked up brother that needed him as badly as I did, I knew that, but I couldn't control it. I felt like such a child that night, thinking, as Mikey slept beside me. He'd only told me something he wanted, and I snapped, only to calm down once I got my way. What the hell was wrong with me? Mikey had only been trying to tell me what he wanted, and I denied it to him... I denied something from the love of my life. How could I do that? He'd been nothing but good to me, and there I was, denying him something he'd wanted. How the hell could I do such a thing?

Other thoughts came to me... maybe I could... learn to be okay with it... as long as Angela knew? Could I do it if she knew about me? If she understood? If she was aware that Mikey was mine? Even he admitted that, usually in bed, heh, but once in a while just in regular conversation. Could I do it though? I really wasn't sure... but Mikey was worth trying anything, I only wanted him happy, I made a vow with myself that I'd do anything it took to keep him happy. Anything. If he wanted Angela, he should have her... I just, for my own sanity, would need her to know about me. I swallowed the lump in my throat, and decided that in the morning I'd talk to Mikey about this. He would understand, wouldn't he? I gently ran my fingers along the edge of his face, he seemed so perfect, and I honestly loved him more than life itself. I'd do anything for him, anything. So why was it so hard for me to let him have something he wanted? I leaned down to kiss his cheek before laying back and trying to sleep. "I'll work on it, Mikey," I whispered, "I promise." I needed to make it up to him.

The next day, we talked, and talked, and talked. Anything it took, I thought. He agreed that he'd tell Angela about me before anything could surface between them. He kissed me softly then, trailing his kisses to my cheek and back to my lips. I loved when he did that. "I'm so sorry Baby, I can't believe I even thought about doing that to you," he said, his forehead pressed against mine. I shook my head, "Don't be sorry, love, no don't be. You only told me what you wanted, I shouldn't have reacted like I did. I'll make it up to you my love, I will." He sighed and leaned close to me, "No babe, you don't need to make anything up to me. I'd rather have you happy than anything else in the world." I held his hand in mine, examining it closely, memorizing what I already knew by heart. With my eyes closed, I lifted it and placed it against my cheek, loving the warmth of him. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me Mikey," I said quietly, "I mean that." He turned his hand in mine so he could cradle my face with it, brushing his thumb ever so softly under my eye, "And you to me baby," he whispered, leaning close to softly kiss my lips.

He said I didn't need to make anything up to him, but I knew I needed to anyway. I tried so hard, all I wanted was to be able to look at him and see happiness in his eyes, because I loved the feeling I got in my heart when I saw that.

That night in bed, I think, was the best sex we'd ever had. I had learned so much through that experience, and so had he, and we were connecting on a much higher level than ever before, and it felt incredible. I noticed, when we finished, that it took a lot longer for me to catch my breath than usual. I laughed, "Wow," I said. He turned to me, breathless as well, "What?" I took a few more deep breaths, "That was... wow... that was better than it's ever been Mikey... just wow." He giggled and snuggled close, "I know, it was incredible Gee, just incredible." I barely had strength in my arms left to hold him, but I found it and pulled him closer. "This," I whispered into his hair, "This Mikey... this is my whole world. You, right here. This." He didn't say anything, I thought he'd fallen asleep, so I kissed the top of his head and whispered, "Good night."

"Gerard..." he said, quietly. "Please don't think I'm upset with you but... I don't think that's healthy... baby you've got to be into at least some other things." I shook my head, knowing he was right but refusing to admit it. He was my salvation, he was my salvation. He needed to save me before the rope frayed completely. I was struggling so hard to climb this rope, and the friction of my struggles was only causing it to fray faster. The rope was most definitely going to break, I needed his help so bad. I wanted to scream out to him for help, but for some reason I couldn't. I could only silently hope he'd know and come save me. Please, oh please, save me Mikey, I need you. One thing though, I didn't even consciously know how much help I needed, I thought I was fine.

I tried so hard to turn our relationship into a somewhat 'normal' one. It was killing me though... trying to be less into him, I just didn't let him know that, because seeing him happy made everything worth while, everything. Every time he'd go somewhere with Angela, I'd go crazy. I know he and I had talked about it, but still, I couldn't help it, I couldn't take the thought of him with someone else, I kept that from him too.

One day he saw just how much I was struggling. "Gerard," he said, "You know I'll love you no matter what, always... you don't need to do this to yourself." I shook my head, "I love you too, Mikey, I love you so much, more than anything, and I'm doing this to make you happy, I only want you happy." He sighed, "Gee you're not well... I'm not worth this, please don't stress about it, I'll be okay, I just need you to be okay." I kissed him softly, "I can't be okay unless you're happy Mikey, I just can't." He looked away from me, "Gerard all you have to do is ask and I'll never talk to her again, I said I'd do anything for you and I meant it, just ask... I hate seeing you being destroyed like this." I shook my head again, "I can't ask that Mikey... I can't ask you to just forget her, I love you too much and you deserve anything you want." He still wouldn't look at me, "I want you happy," he whispered. "I will be, Mikey," I said, "just as soon as you are."

We had many discussions, almost exactly like that. It seems to me that we were quite possibly too much in love. I guess it's true, what they say about 'too much of a good thing'. I didn't care about anything anymore, only Mikey. He was the only care I had, and the rope began to break. Please, I thought, please Mikey, come find me. Help me.